I have had three of my 12 weekly chemo sessions so far. The first went very well. The second was the week Randy was here and he sat with me all morning (these are usually running about 4 plus hours). We couldn’t go to lunch together as we had hoped since I was just too tired afterwards and went home and slept for an hour. No other symptoms I was aware of. Yesterday, my third session, I felt heavy sleepiness overcome me, weakness radiated through my shoulders and upper arms, breathing affected so that I wanted to take big yawny type breaths because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. I have experienced this kind of thing before related to the MG weakness. It may be a reaction to the drug Taxol. I mentioned it to the nurse and I will monitor this.

I refuse to take the Benadryl they include in the pre-meds for fear of an adverse affect related to MG. I almost was given it mistakenly yesterday and the nurse said she caught it in time. I almost wondered if I did get some, due to the weakness I was experiencing. I think I should write NO BENADRYL on a piece of masking tape and put it on my forehead! Although the nurses are very thorough and read carefully the notes on my orders for the day. The doctor had written instructions about no Benadryl but it was on another sheet.

This is an important issue to be aware of whenever you are under medical care. The patient must be on top of what is being done for him or her. I have asked, “What is that pill?” “ What is it for?”, if I don’t recognize the name of the drug. Like with the Benadryl during the first session, it was in pill form (otherwise I might not have known they were going to give it to me via infusion as almost happened yesterday) and I asked what those pills were. They automatically give certain drugs prior to the chemo drugs, two of which are Tylenol and Benadryl. When the nurse told me what they were, I said I wouldn’t be taking the Benadryl. Not a problem. I didn’t take it.

I try to be aware of what is going into my body. Ultimately I am the one being affected by everything done to and for me. If I cannot be alert enough to watch out for myself, it is good to have another person there to do it for me. When done in the right manner, questioning the nurse or doctor shouldn’t be threatening to them. Usually they are more than happy to answer questions and concerns. (And if you get someone with an attitude you may need to assert yourself a bit.) And everyone is human and subject to making mistakes. I am, you are and medical professionals are. We all try our best but sometimes foul up. It never hurts to double check.

So I am a quarter of the way through my final chemo therapy! Yes, I am at the stage of counting the weeks. My mother’s 80th birthday celebration back in Michigan is halfway through this course of chemo and unfortunately I will not be able to be there, especially since I am having weekly infusions which leaves no extra time to make such a trip. Randy will be there representing our family.

But God is good. I get to walk every morning several blocks and it is so nice. I look forward to these times with the Lord. It used to be that I couldn’t concentrate and pray and walk at the same time (don’t laugh!) but I find I can and I enjoy it so much.

I recall early on I wrote that as I searched my heart before the Lord, I didn’t feel this whole cancer thing was because of a grave sin in my life. It is wise and right to examine our lives to see if we are indeed in the faith (II Cor. 13:5) and catastrophic illnesses and even death do happen because of sin (read Jesus’ healings in the gospels, Acts 5, and I Cor. 11:17). Rather, I felt it was an attack by the enemy. Remember Job. God must give Satan permission to do these things.

But there is another aspect I do wish to make clear. God, as a loving Father, disciplines all his sons (I use “sons” in the generic sense of human children. I have no problem considering myself a son of God) and this discipline is for our good, not to harm us. We are not to be surprised by it. Numerous times in scripture God speaks to this issue. And discipline can take many forms. I choose to accept this trial in my flesh as discipline from God. Many would agree with me having gone through similar deep waters of suffering. It can tend to draw us near to the Lord, which we must admit, we all need.

My favorite book in the Bible must be the book of Hebrews. As I was reading chapter 12 again it spoke so clearly, powerfully and deeply to me (hence, I wanted to share my thoughts with you). I sin. I don’t want to but it is ever with me. I must stay on top of this and as the writer of Hebrews admonishes, remember those of faith who have gone before us. Look at their example of faith unto the end. They are watching us. Therefore, let’s throw off all that hinders us in this life race laid out for us. We need to be unencumbered so we can run and not fall.

And above all, we must “fix our eyes on Jesus”. He has gone before us and is the way. I love this! I hope you pull out your Bible and read this. We have suffered nothing as others have, and especially Jesus. He rose above the scorn and shame of dying on a tree, which was a major cultural issue at the time, and looked to the result of all his suffering: Redemption for all those who would follow him in faith and glorification and exaltation to the right hand of the Father in heaven. So much is packed into these words! We are exhorted to think about him, take time to mull these things over in our minds and hearts, letting the truth sink in and become our “own”. To what end? So that we will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. Some have. I have not. Remember the words of encouragement, that God disciplines those he loves. Therefore, endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons.

I am choosing to take this battle with cancer (still a hold-at-arms-length word to me) as discipline from a loving Father. He also knows I want to have more of a family resemblance to him. I have long felt the MG (muscle weakness of long duration in my life) falls into that category. He has used it in amazing ways in my life, most of which I am unaware of I am sure. When you think about it, it is a privilege to be disciplined by the Father because it affirms one’s “belonging” in the family of God. He disciplines every son he receives. Without it, he says, we are illegitimate children and not true sons. This is much more frightening than discipline! (It’s all there in Hebrews 12.)

Whatever you are going through, please cling to and embrace these words of admonition and encouragement! If things are going smoothly for you just now, I encourage you to master the mindset laid out in this passage, so when hard times come, and they will, you will be heart-prepared. Thank God he had these things written down for us! May we not ignore or be too busy to master his truth for our lives. Too much is at stake.

Bless you in the name of the Lord.

Friday I had my first infusion of Taxol, my next and last chemo (drug) therapy. I had no reactions to it and have so far had no bad or undesirable side effects (although my hair won’t grow back until this one is done with). I haven’t even been more tired than usual. Wow.

On the same day I also started intravenous infusions of Herceptin, which is not a chemo (drug) therapy, as explained to me, but a biologic therapy. Herceptin is a monoclonal antibody which specifically targets certain cancer cells. It does not kill good cells. That is nice. I feel like more of me is left intact! This is the treatment I will have to take over the next year. I had no side effects from this and I am told most women do not experience side effects. What a relief and blessing.

And I have more exciting news! I was able to get 11^th hour airline tickets for Randy to come visit for a week! He is on his way out now as I write (Sunday, August 10). We had purchased tickets for him to fly out in late September/early October for a couple of weeks, which would make it 3 months since he left to go back to West Virginia (he went back June 18). God has blessed us both with grace and days filled with activity so that time has seemed to go by quickly (as many of you prayed and we did too!), but I just decided to go ahead and “splurge”, so to speak, and fly him out! It will be nice hanging out with my best friend and sweetheart.

God has been good to me, to us. I have been bolstered by prayers and love from many people, and grace and peace from God. I admit I’ve had some emotional times the past few weeks but nothing earth shattering. I’ve learned over the years to rest in the Lord a lot more than I used to! Just this past week I was walking (I have been able to go for walks every day and it is wonderful) and talking with the Lord and asking forgiveness for and strength against self pity. That is one thing that is so terribly damaging and destructive. I want no part of it. So I have to resist it when it raises its ugly head. I realized that I need to raise my sights and look at God’s bigger world, the great needs and his heart of compassion for those suffering. So many are spiritually dead and need life only he can give. So many brothers and sisters in the faith are struggling and suffering terribly. I need to care more, pray more for them. Perspective.

I believe what Jesus said about seeking first his kingdom and righteousness. It means I put those things as my first priority. And then he promised to meet our needs. I never like to hear that God promised to meet our needs…unless it is qualified by his condition of putting God and his priorities first, because that is God’s order. I can’t just claim the good stuff for myself without first laying my life down at his feet as before the King who commands all my life. That is his right, for he bought me with a price, a great price: the life blood of Jesus Christ. I dare not take that lightly.

What a joy to belong to Someone so much bigger and more capable than myself! Again I say, God has been gracious, good to me. I praise him for all his wonderful works.

Please keep praying for me! And for Randy. We are seeking him and he is guiding our footsteps, I believe, and answering many personal and ministry prayers. We want it to be all for his glory. Nothing else makes sense.

Jacque