I’m going home. This thought, “I’m going home, I’m going home”, made me cry the other night as I was getting into bed, tears of thankfulness to God for all his goodness to me, and now I get to “resume” my life in West Virginia.

It is funny, but I almost feel like I have 2 lives, but what it is in reality is “my life”, being lived out wherever I am. I have made friends here in the church and I will miss them. I look forward to coming back to be in ladies’ Bible study, and prayer groups, Wednesday night Bible study, and even going out for lunch with a friend or daughter-in-law, deepening these relationships. I am privileged to see and be a part of the beginnings of a prayer movement (and I am trusting it will become that!) in our church; to me this is so exciting, especially as I am convinced it is the moving of God’s spirit. I have spent time with my sons and daughters-in-law and love them dearly; I cannot express how overwhelmingly blessed I feel (and Randy does, too) at God’s goodness to us through our children. I’ve had hours to give my attention to the three amigos, my current grandchildren (soon to be 4), both in play time and ordinary living time; these are the relationships which will affect the future, so much unspoken and yet-unrealized power and potential. And then there is all God’s provision for every aspect of my life over the past 18 months. God is Sovereign, as our Pastor reminded us today, and he knows what he is doing, even when we don’t and the present hurts.

Now I am coming home…my West Virginia home. When I was back there in April I bought 2 T-shirts with “West Virginia” written on the designs. I guess I am becoming a WV Hillbilly after all! And proud of it, by golly!

I fly home Saturday June 13. I can’t wait to see Randy at the Charleston airport, grinning like a Cheshire cat, and me too, so happy to be together again. This is why I married him…to be with him. This year we do get to celebrate together our 36th year of wedded bliss (with all the ups and downs and good and bad of 2 imperfect people who love each other living together), when up until 2 days ago we didn’t expect I’d be home on time. When little things like that happen (and they are little in significance in the warp and woof of life and God’s grand scheme) I always feel like God is looking down smiling as he pulls his surprise for us from behind his back. He does give us the desires of our hearts, both little ones and big ones. He’s so kind and good.

So I only have 2 more weeks to get everything together and still make the most of every hour with my little people, my grandchildren. I have 3 doctor’s appointments this week alone, the most serious being the removal of the port-a-cath from my upper left chest wall. I will be seeing the surgeon in her office on Thursday morning at 11 am (Pacific time, folks, which being interpreted is 3 hours earlier than Eastern-style time) and I agreed to only local anesthetic. No other anesthesia (what was I thinking!). It is a little scary to me but I am asking God to help me relax…and that it won’t hurt much! But the surgeon said it is much easier to remove the port than insert it and I should be able to drive myself home afterwards. So, needless to say, I really appreciate your prayers for me! Pray it really will go quickly and smoothly (she did have some trouble when inserting it; small veins or something) with a minimum of pain and tension (!) on my part.

Last update I asked you to pray for God’s provision for all the travel I will need to do over the next few years going back and forth to CA for follow up visits with the oncologist. Please continue to ask God for that, but I wanted to share that he has already begun to answer for these needs; a friend sent me a certificate which took $200 off my first round trip booking for my next visit to CA! God has provided through friends and family over the past 18 months for other flights and in other areas of need and special gifts and we, amazed at their generosity to us (thank you guys, you and the Father know who you are!) continue to bless the name of the Lord and put our trust in him to continue to provide, through a multitude of means. God is so creative, he never fails to surprise us with the ways in which he accomplishes what he determines to do. When you seek to walk by faith in this great God you never know what to expect next! Oh, except for one thing; we can be sure he will be right there with us.

I will need your prayers for my adjustment to living back in my own home again, doing what every woman is called upon to do to run her household ( and I have a whopper of a house!). I need to be sure to pace myself and not overdo. I am more aware of giving myself permission to take it easy since my heart is not working on all cylinders (that’s for you guys reading this). When the cardiologist refers to my condition (the heart not able to pump the blood at normal rates, 30% compared to twice that percentage) as “heart failure”, yes, it does give me pause…the words “heart” and “failure” in the same phrase tends to do that to one. The oncologist is confident this will reverse itself (I had a normal echocardiogram in January of 2008 before I went into cancer surgery) and go back to normal but I do not take anything for granted. I ask you to continue to join me in beseeching our Father to heal the problems of my heart. I also have premature heart beats which need to normalize as well.

Another area for which I need your prayers…I have found it hard to concentrate and organize my thoughts. Perhaps this is something which will correct itself as I get off certain meds, I don’t know. But again, I am asking God to help me with it because there are things (hey, most of life) which I am called upon to do which call for the ability to put thoughts into an organized from to make a chain of thoughts, if you will, so I can accomplish what I need to do. Well, I’m not sure that made any sense but God knows what I mean!

One area I haven’t made much of a “dent” in is compiling my various writings into an organized form (the “O” word again, and I’m not talking about Oprah) so I can fill in the gaps and start publishing my “story” and other writings as so many have encouraged me to do. I really need your prayers for this! Thanks again. I anticipate the “flow” of strength and ability in answer to prayer.

One more prayer request, while I have your ear; you know I will take advantage of this forum to seek prayer for others! My son Jeremy, who, by the way, had a safe time in and going to and from Europe a few weeks ago, pulled muscles and ligaments in his back and is in pain and unable to walk without assistance. He went to the ER yesterday and will see his doctor this week. Please pray for his healing, with no long term effects from this injury. Pray he is able to get back to work quickly. I cannot tell you how much it means to be able to share needs with you and know prayer is going up for them. Thank you so much.

The journey continues, ever expanding in potential for ministry to others. May I grab each opportunity and make the most of it, and may the Lord be glorified through me by whatever means.

Jacque

I know you’ve been waiting to hear how my Monday, May 11, appointment went with the oncologist. He reviewed my echocardiogram results and since there was no improvement to my weakened heart, even after a rest of 6 weeks (from infusions of Herceptin) and since the Herceptin is the cause of the weakening of my heart, he decided to completely discontinue the Herceptin. Though the usual course of administration of Herceptin is 12 months, and I have only had 7 months, he feels I’ve had a sufficient amount to give me added protection against recurrence of the breast cancer. I am not trusting in that though. My hope is in the Lord, to whom we all have cried out for healing. I have a lot of confidence in my doctors here. They are some of the best, as are the nurses. I am extremely thankful for them all, and that my treatment could be here. But my hope will always be in God alone.

So what does all this mean? Well, after some tests, the surgical removal of the port-a-cath in my chest (through which the infusions were administered), another visit to the oncologist in 3 weeks, and a raft of other doctor follow-up appointments (right now I count 9 appointments, not including the surgery, in the next 5 weeks!), I will be free to go home! I am waiting to find out the date of the surgery for the port-a-cath removal and hope to make flight arrangements to go home around the latter part of June.
I would appreciate your prayers for this surgery. I will probably have the local and twilight types of anesthesia like a year ago when I had the port-a-cath placed. The difference now is that my heart is weaker and I do not know if that will affect anything. Let’s pray it doesn’t.

Another issue is that for the next 2 years I must be back here for follow-up visits with my oncologist every 3 months. Then for a couple of years it will be every 4 months, then 6 months, and so on. So there will be a lot of flying to and from California. Pray for God’s provision for that.

I realized this morning that I am under more stress than I was aware of. As Randy said recently, I’ve gone through a lot over the past 18 months, from the diagnosis of my breast cancer in December 2007, decisions of where to get treatment, fear of cancer and fear of how I would tolerate treatments because of the MG, changing residences from WV to CA and living in others’ homes, going through 2 surgeries, 2 chemotherapy regimens, losing my hair and slowly gaining it back, radiation and ongoing Herceptin infusions, and everything else medical with it, months of separation from Randy, to the joys of being with children and grandchildren, and even new friends and ministry in the local church. Now I’ve had the brakes put on suddenly and must shift gears to prepare myself for leaving all this to go back and resume my life in West Virginia; it is taking an emotional toll.

When I left the oncologist’s office after learning this was the “wrap” call for my cancer treatment (other than the next several years of follow-up visits and taking a pill for 5 years), I would have “waves” of emotion roll over me; I would think, “I’m going home” and grin and get choked up and teary eyed. Then when I think about leaving my grandchildren for months at a time, I also get choked up! Or I’ve had “bubbles” of emotion rise suddenly to the surface, so to speak, and take me by surprise, notably impatience and vexation, “Whoa! Where’d that come from?”. Well I think God is gently letting me see that I need to recognize this emotional reality and learn to live with it. For me that means pulling back to solitude as much as I can. That is how I am wired. It is good to know these things and I am thankful I have learned that much about myself. I appreciate so much your prayers for me, even when you may not know what I need at any given time; God does know.

So amidst all I have to do between now and the time I actually board a plane for WV, I will attempt to stay aware of my emotional needs and make the necessary adjustments, the allowances needed so that I can stay in a state of equilibrium spiritually, which will mean health physically as well.

I pray I will not get overwhelmed with all that I need to do. My prayer times are often times of crying out to God, thanking him, praising him for his mercy and compassion, his goodness to me. For all the good things and especially the people in my life. Oh how God has poured out his grace and mercy on me! I just want my life to express his strength and joy…that is, that I would live my life as a song of praise to God, full of faith in him, bringing him joy, which in turn is my strength.

Be strong in the Lord. You encourage me. May I in turn encourage you.

Jacque

Time flies when you are having fun and my 5 weeks in West Virginia, in my home and with the love of my life (Randy, in case you don’t know!) just flew by. It was great being with my friends and “Mustard Seeds family” (the staff at Mustard Seeds) and chatting with neighbors and other community members. It was good to be with our friends in our missional community, a home church we attend each week. Basically it was nice to connect again with the people in my life in West Virginia.

Another enjoyable aspect of visiting home again was the beautiful scenery. In springtime flowers, shrubs and trees start blossoming and I got to get in on some of that. It was great! I am a gardener at heart and greatly enjoy growing things, even if it is a concession to the wild plants (weeds) which take over in parts of the yard. Some of them do have their own beauty; our cultivated plants started out the same way. West Virginia is a growing state, at least in the variety and volume of trees, shrubs and flowers!

While home I did keep busy yet I think I paced myself pretty well. I am learning. And with this heart condition (weakened heart due to Herceptin) I am more aware of being careful not to overstress my heart.

So, you are probably wondering how my heart echo test went on May 8, after arriving back in CA. Well, it showed no change; my heart has not improved. Neither has it gotten worse, thank the Lord. The cardiologist has started me on third heart medication. Though I was to see the oncologist on May 8, as well as the cardiologist, that appointment was rescheduled to Monday, May 11. At that time he will review the test results (which he ordered) to determine if we should continue the Herceptin infusions. I have a very strong suspicion he will continue to postpone the Herceptin but I am not familiar with how they routinely deal with this situation. I have been in a holding pattern since March 27 and will continue until I am told otherwise. I am so thankful for the peace and grace of the Lord!

Since being back in my California home, I’ve tried to make the most of my time with the grandchildren, knowing that in a few months I will be going back to West Virginia and will not have this opportunity with them. These months have been a gift to us of being with our children and these little grandchildren, who are growing up before our eyes. I’ve said before that if I didn’t have these families to come to out here in CA while going through treatment for almost a year and a half, it would be very, very difficult to leave Randy and my home in West Virginia. But God has blessed us abundantly!

One of the exciting things going on out here is that God is using me to “kick start” a time of corporate prayer in the church we attend. A small group has met three times, once monthly, and while I was in WV the group that met was the largest to meet to that point. I am currently in contact with a young woman of that group (most are already involved as “Prayer Partners” in the church, ministering through prayer, though on an individual level) and we will be meeting soon to get to know one another better. I will share my vision of seeing the group extend into the greater church body over time, getting God’s people meeting together on a regular basis for corporate prayer.

I firmly believe the church needs to teach and practice praying together. We certainly have scriptural precedent for this. And we read of God’s powerful answers to the church in prayer. My desire is to see this replicated in this local body of believers. I have moved slowly into this, feeling God is behind it. It will be up to the people of this body of believers to carry on the vision when I am no longer here. Pray God opens the way to effectively communicate this vision and for receptivity to it, to the end the body will be built up and God glorified through them in new ways.

So I would appreciate your prayers for me not only for continued healing of all that is wrong in my body (MG, cancer, heart weakness) but for the ministry God has laid on my heart for God’s people here in Colton at Centerpoint Church . And of course, I am still very much engaged in ministry in WV, through responsibilities with Mustard Seeds and prayer for the people we are called to there.

Thank you once again for walking with me and upholding me and Randy in this very long journey!