Radiation therapy started yesterday. I will go in every day for several weeks (probably 7 in all). They do a lot of measuring and marking (lines and crosses and now two tattoos, just dots) on my chest, X-rays and finally the actual “treatment” with radiation. I assume once they get all the preliminaries done it will take only 15 minutes per session they said it would take. I’d rather they be absolutely certain where those “rad rays” are going so if it takes a bit of time, that’s ok.
I had two sets of actual radiation treatment today. The first took 1 minute, the second 30 seconds. As I lay there and try to relax, I pray the radiologists get it absolutely right, that no tissue or organs or systems are damaged, that the side effects will be minimal. Please pray with me.
They have to irradiate the lymph nodes higher in the chest/neck area, ones they did not surgically remove. Pray with me that my lymph system is not damaged by this process.
And I would appreciate your prayers for healing from another sinus congestion/cold. It started the weekend before radiation started. The coughing tires me and the struggle to breathe when lying down disrupts my sleep, compounding the tiredness.
Other than that I’m doing fine! The weather’s beautiful and clear, which means you can see the mountains because no smog is obliterating the view. My favorite southern California time of year. (Several years ago, after recently moving to West Virginia, someone doing a survey asked me about the air pollution in WV. After having lived in S. Cali for a dozen years in the 1980’s, I almost laughed! In West Virginia I only “see the air” when a passing train belches smoke or there is “legitimate” fog!)
Thanks for caring, and praying. In this coming new year, I pray that you will prosper and be in good health even as your soul prospers (3 John 2).
Jacque
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Last week Thursday (Dec 18) marked one year since my breast cancer diagnosis. I didn’t actually think about it very much until after the fact. I am not much for those kinds of “anniversaries”. But it is significant to realize a whole year has gone by, a year of my life (and at my age that is nothing to sniff at), which was full of changes, significant changes. Changes which were not small but on the order of an 8.0 on the Richter scale. They got my, and our, attention.
At first I felt like I was in the fighter’s ring and took a hard stomach punch. Now, I am not a violent nor athletic person, so my abdominal muscles were not prepared for such a punch, metaphorically speaking. It sort of knocked me on my butt and took my breath away (while I am thinking, what am I doing in this boxing ring??!!). All was unreal for awhile.
It was a great comfort and strength to me to have my best friend and companion, my husband Randy, at my side, helping me make decisions, yet not running ahead of me, rather, walking with me step by step. His love and support cannot be estimated, cannot be measured. It was and is much more than I can ever put into figures or words. Really, that is what love is all about. My “cup” overflows with blessing because of him.
Many people have commented how strong I am and have been through all that has happened to me since that diagnosis of breast cancer one year ago. Let me be the first to say, I am not strong. But I thank God I know who is; Jesus Christ, the living son of God. And I just want to thank God my Father for “causing to be written” his Word for us. I go to God’s word and prayer and there is where I find strength. In communicating with the living God, reading his words, which are so deep no one will ever fully plumb their depths, I find what I need to do and grace to do it.
I distinctly remember resuming my reading in the Psalms right after my diagnosis. I was at Psalm 111 which opens, “Praise the LORD! I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart…”, and my heart said, no I don’t . I don’t feel like praising God. I feel like I’ve just been punched. I’d rather demand “why” this is happening to me. I have a heavy weight someone just dumped on me and I definitely do not like it, especially since it can kill me.
Then, while these feelings and thoughts are steam rolling through my head and heart, I am acknowledging, “yes, I will praise the LORD, because I know that is just what I need to do, I must do”, especially since I am so hurt and don’t want to do it. How much more important that I do praise God in the face of these conflicting and dark feelings! If I praise God in the sunny meadows but refuse to praise him in the dark valley, I am a hypocrite. Before God, I fear that more than cancer itself.
That moment, I chose to praise God. A sheer act of the will. All has flowed from that choice.
It’s true, if you give God an inch, he will take a mile! And boy am I glad of that! When I chose to praise God, not for cancer but for who he is regardless of my physical state, I put myself in his arms, so to speak, like a child safe in the arms of his daddy, and all his comfort and grace for my need was then poured out on me in the days which followed. As long as I stay in that safe, dependent place, I am strengthened with “resurrection” power. When I cry tears of hurt and confusion and fear, pleading with my Abba Father, he is there to pick me up off the floor and set me down next to him, his arm around me. He gives me a “future and a hope”, and no one else can do that, no one.
If I have nothing else to praise God for other than who he is and all the mighty works he has done, surely that is enough, isn’t it? It should be. Just take a hard look at the cross.
I daily seek to “fix my eyes on Jesus” and be a faithful follower of his. This is a much better perspective to have than having my eyes on me.
May we all see Jesus in his strange disguise this Christmas season…and let him bring change to our lives.
Jacque
At first I felt like I was in the fighter’s ring and took a hard stomach punch. Now, I am not a violent nor athletic person, so my abdominal muscles were not prepared for such a punch, metaphorically speaking. It sort of knocked me on my butt and took my breath away (while I am thinking, what am I doing in this boxing ring??!!). All was unreal for awhile.
It was a great comfort and strength to me to have my best friend and companion, my husband Randy, at my side, helping me make decisions, yet not running ahead of me, rather, walking with me step by step. His love and support cannot be estimated, cannot be measured. It was and is much more than I can ever put into figures or words. Really, that is what love is all about. My “cup” overflows with blessing because of him.
Many people have commented how strong I am and have been through all that has happened to me since that diagnosis of breast cancer one year ago. Let me be the first to say, I am not strong. But I thank God I know who is; Jesus Christ, the living son of God. And I just want to thank God my Father for “causing to be written” his Word for us. I go to God’s word and prayer and there is where I find strength. In communicating with the living God, reading his words, which are so deep no one will ever fully plumb their depths, I find what I need to do and grace to do it.
I distinctly remember resuming my reading in the Psalms right after my diagnosis. I was at Psalm 111 which opens, “Praise the LORD! I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart…”, and my heart said, no I don’t . I don’t feel like praising God. I feel like I’ve just been punched. I’d rather demand “why” this is happening to me. I have a heavy weight someone just dumped on me and I definitely do not like it, especially since it can kill me.
Then, while these feelings and thoughts are steam rolling through my head and heart, I am acknowledging, “yes, I will praise the LORD, because I know that is just what I need to do, I must do”, especially since I am so hurt and don’t want to do it. How much more important that I do praise God in the face of these conflicting and dark feelings! If I praise God in the sunny meadows but refuse to praise him in the dark valley, I am a hypocrite. Before God, I fear that more than cancer itself.
That moment, I chose to praise God. A sheer act of the will. All has flowed from that choice.
It’s true, if you give God an inch, he will take a mile! And boy am I glad of that! When I chose to praise God, not for cancer but for who he is regardless of my physical state, I put myself in his arms, so to speak, like a child safe in the arms of his daddy, and all his comfort and grace for my need was then poured out on me in the days which followed. As long as I stay in that safe, dependent place, I am strengthened with “resurrection” power. When I cry tears of hurt and confusion and fear, pleading with my Abba Father, he is there to pick me up off the floor and set me down next to him, his arm around me. He gives me a “future and a hope”, and no one else can do that, no one.
If I have nothing else to praise God for other than who he is and all the mighty works he has done, surely that is enough, isn’t it? It should be. Just take a hard look at the cross.
I daily seek to “fix my eyes on Jesus” and be a faithful follower of his. This is a much better perspective to have than having my eyes on me.
May we all see Jesus in his strange disguise this Christmas season…and let him bring change to our lives.
Jacque
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I’m back in California resuming my Herceptin infusions. It had been a month since I had my last infusion, along with the final chemotherapy. Herceptin is technically not considered chemotherapy (since it targets only the cancer cells) and will continue for the next 9 months, administered usually every three weeks. I had a big blast of Herceptin on Friday November 21, the day after I arrived back in CA. It went well, I rested over the week-end, and was able to attend church and resume my new ministry of Prayer Partner, going down front after the service and being available for those who wish to pray with someone. There were about 4 other Prayer Partners that morning, ready to pray with those who stood in need of it. I hope to get to know them better.
I enjoyed immensely my time back home in West Virginia. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it! It was great spending time with my friends on Mustard Seed staff, our “home church” missional community, and other neighbors and friends.
There were sad elements, though. A friend’s grandfather died and it was hard on her and her family. And a neighbor who had lived in my community all his life, who told Randy stories of playing in our very yard as a boy many years ago, died in hospital while I was there. Mustard Seeds had worked on his home more than once over the years and he received witness of God’s love and Jesus’ sacrifice for him, but was always resistant to the gospel. It was another neighbor, who had known this man for many, many years who related that she had talked to him before he went to hospital, and he did pray with her to receive Christ as his savior. What a blessing to know that! I truly hope to see him in heaven. God is merciful and compassionate, willing to forgive our sins, more so than we are to forgive ourselves!
Randy had told me they’d already had cold weather in WV and once or twice it actually snowed. Yet when I arrived at Yeager Airport (named for Chuck Yeager, who hailed from WV) in Charleston, I stepped off the plane into 70 degree weather! What a surprise! We enjoyed gorgeous weather for a few days and I spent as much time as I could on my front porch. Then we had chilly, rainy weather move in. But you know, I still think the hills are beautiful, with the tree’s leaves down and matted on the ground, the rocky outcroppings exposed. I’ve always enjoyed and gloried in God’s creative flourishes in the fall and winter seasons, especially living in West Virginia.
A few days before I had to leave WV, it turned cold and we had snow. Beautiful! We had to drive in it one day and it can be treacherous, but God kept us safe our whole trip that day. I do prefer to stay off the roads in that kind of weather, stay indoors in my cozy home or bundled up, and with cups of hot chocolate, my hubby and I sit on the porch together watching the snow come down, covering trees and bushes, lawns and mountainsides. Who said late fall and winter are depressing? There is beauty all around if we look with seeing eyes. Thankful eyes. God has been teaching me for a number of years about this very thing. How good and patient his is!
As the days progressed, putting more time behind me since the final chemotherapy, and after God healed me of the cold I endured for 5 weeks (which he healed in answer in believing prayer by Randy and our staff on Wednesday following my arrival there), I gained in energy and strength and was able to do a number of things, including joining staff meetings 3 mornings a week and doing some Mustard Seeds business in the office. I rested when I got tired, because I still don’t have a lot of stamina, and took walks around my yard, which, because of the slope, was about all the exercise I could handle. I miss gardening and one day collected the few seeds I could find left from some of my flowering plants. I have them here and plan to pot them and see if they will transplant to this southern California climate!
When Randy gathered our staff on that first Wednesday morning, as the men ended their prayer time and the women on staff were about to start ours, Randy asked that they pray for my healing of the cold, the cancer and the myasthenia gravis. He anointed me with oil as James talks about in his epistle, (and which we had asked for from the elders in the church I am attending now in CA) and they prayed in faith for me with the above requests. Randy has been praying for my healing from MG (myasthenia gravis) as well as the cancer, for almost the past year, since my diagnosis in December 2007. So have others, some for many, many years. God has convicted me of my failure to persist in prayer for my own healing from MG over the 45 years I have had it. Something finally “clicked” inside me and I am coming to him with all the faith I have, small as it is, casting my doubts and fears right back on him and praying for faith, like the father whose son had a terrible demon! “Lord, help my unbelief!”
Now I am coming to God to uphold his word. Since Sunday November 16 I have not taken a Mestinon pill. This is a cholinesterase inhibitor which I have taken since I was first diagnosed with MG back in 1965. I have never, since I was first put on it, not taken Mestinon. I always needed it. Now I find I do not need it(be assured this is one of those drugs which I can take or not take as needed, not like other drugs I currently take.)
Randy and I are trusting God that this is indication of him answering prayer. I do not know how long a process this will be. I will take it step by step. There are many doubts and rationalizations which come into my mind, but these I turn over to the Lord. James says it is the prayer of faith which saves the sick. A double minded, doubting person doesn’t pray in faith and therefore doesn’t receive anything.
I said I am asking God to uphold his word, his promises related to prayer. Why? Because we are declaring (telling others) God is answering prayer. His name is on the line here, not just mine. My desire is to bring glory to him. God is glorified in his mighty acts…acts which we call on him to perform…in faith. Faith greatly pleases him (Hebrews 12:6). Everything I am saying here is grounded in scripture. I’ve not gone off the deep end! I’m afraid I haven’t given God his due in the faith area. He deserves more.
Now, I have to address the issue of Radiation therapy. I have an appointment for a consultation on Tuesday, December 2. Remember I asked for prayer that I might not have to go through radiation? Well, I still would like to avoid it, if possible. But I realized that I was tired of having to go through another thing which would make me tired, weak, sore, etc. Rather small of me, actually. Wrong motivation. God has been so gracious to me! Instead of a frightening experience, I have grown stronger and sailed through surgeries and chemotherapies. Yes, there has been real pain and discomfort and various other side effects. I am not denying them. But I have done so well that even my Oncologist said I was doing very well. Then he repeated it. I told him I thanked God.
When I agreed, at the very first visit with the oncological surgeon, to have the kind of surgery I had (breast conserving surgery rather than a mastectomy) I agreed to have follow up radiation, though I wasn’t happy about it. This is standard procedure for the kind of surgery I had, so as to lessen the likelihood of any cancer cells being left behind and causing a recurrence of the cancer. So, since I do not feel I should discontinue any therapies for cancer, I am obligated to follow through with the full regimen. I do this before the Lord.
Does that mean your prayers that I might avoid radiation were useless? Of course not. I plan to ask about the possibility of not taking the course of radiation. God may surprise me! But I am at this point submitting to what I agreed to for cancer treatment under the care of the doctors of Loma Linda University Medical Center. And I definitely need your prayers for God’s mercy to be extended to me through this treatment. There are unpleasant side effects and I pray they will be minimal. Those who have been through it understand these things. Everyone responds differently to treatments and I am again throwing myself on the mercies of God, taking nothing for granted.
How I thank God for your prayers for me! James, in chapter 5:14-16, after outlining in verses 14 and 15 how those who are sick are to go to the elders and ask them to pray and anoint with oil the sick person, and the prayer of faith will save the sick and God would bring healing and forgiveness of sins, goes on to say that we are to confess our faults to one another and pray for one another so that we may be healed. This is, I am sorry to say, what is so often lacking in many churches. We need this kind of face to face community, accountability, vulnerability to one another; and then forbearance, forgiveness and compassion for each other, and boldness to believe God…so that we can pray in true faith toward God and love for one another, so that we may be healed. By this (one means of acting in love for one another) we will be known as Christ’s disciples, and I believe God will be glorified.
This blog serves a purpose of sharing my needs with you, many of whom will pray for me. A blog is very deficient in many ways, so one sided, but it does share a need. And your prayers are significant and deeply appreciated. However, we need to develop and nurture the kind of relationships James points to in his letter so that we can have a greater effect in the body of Christ and in the world!
Oh that Christ would be magnified and glorified in us! Oh that we would love and trust him more so that he can do greater works through us! Then he would be glorified and his kingdom built up on earth!
This is why we live.
Jacque
I enjoyed immensely my time back home in West Virginia. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it! It was great spending time with my friends on Mustard Seed staff, our “home church” missional community, and other neighbors and friends.
There were sad elements, though. A friend’s grandfather died and it was hard on her and her family. And a neighbor who had lived in my community all his life, who told Randy stories of playing in our very yard as a boy many years ago, died in hospital while I was there. Mustard Seeds had worked on his home more than once over the years and he received witness of God’s love and Jesus’ sacrifice for him, but was always resistant to the gospel. It was another neighbor, who had known this man for many, many years who related that she had talked to him before he went to hospital, and he did pray with her to receive Christ as his savior. What a blessing to know that! I truly hope to see him in heaven. God is merciful and compassionate, willing to forgive our sins, more so than we are to forgive ourselves!
Randy had told me they’d already had cold weather in WV and once or twice it actually snowed. Yet when I arrived at Yeager Airport (named for Chuck Yeager, who hailed from WV) in Charleston, I stepped off the plane into 70 degree weather! What a surprise! We enjoyed gorgeous weather for a few days and I spent as much time as I could on my front porch. Then we had chilly, rainy weather move in. But you know, I still think the hills are beautiful, with the tree’s leaves down and matted on the ground, the rocky outcroppings exposed. I’ve always enjoyed and gloried in God’s creative flourishes in the fall and winter seasons, especially living in West Virginia.
A few days before I had to leave WV, it turned cold and we had snow. Beautiful! We had to drive in it one day and it can be treacherous, but God kept us safe our whole trip that day. I do prefer to stay off the roads in that kind of weather, stay indoors in my cozy home or bundled up, and with cups of hot chocolate, my hubby and I sit on the porch together watching the snow come down, covering trees and bushes, lawns and mountainsides. Who said late fall and winter are depressing? There is beauty all around if we look with seeing eyes. Thankful eyes. God has been teaching me for a number of years about this very thing. How good and patient his is!
As the days progressed, putting more time behind me since the final chemotherapy, and after God healed me of the cold I endured for 5 weeks (which he healed in answer in believing prayer by Randy and our staff on Wednesday following my arrival there), I gained in energy and strength and was able to do a number of things, including joining staff meetings 3 mornings a week and doing some Mustard Seeds business in the office. I rested when I got tired, because I still don’t have a lot of stamina, and took walks around my yard, which, because of the slope, was about all the exercise I could handle. I miss gardening and one day collected the few seeds I could find left from some of my flowering plants. I have them here and plan to pot them and see if they will transplant to this southern California climate!
When Randy gathered our staff on that first Wednesday morning, as the men ended their prayer time and the women on staff were about to start ours, Randy asked that they pray for my healing of the cold, the cancer and the myasthenia gravis. He anointed me with oil as James talks about in his epistle, (and which we had asked for from the elders in the church I am attending now in CA) and they prayed in faith for me with the above requests. Randy has been praying for my healing from MG (myasthenia gravis) as well as the cancer, for almost the past year, since my diagnosis in December 2007. So have others, some for many, many years. God has convicted me of my failure to persist in prayer for my own healing from MG over the 45 years I have had it. Something finally “clicked” inside me and I am coming to him with all the faith I have, small as it is, casting my doubts and fears right back on him and praying for faith, like the father whose son had a terrible demon! “Lord, help my unbelief!”
Now I am coming to God to uphold his word. Since Sunday November 16 I have not taken a Mestinon pill. This is a cholinesterase inhibitor which I have taken since I was first diagnosed with MG back in 1965. I have never, since I was first put on it, not taken Mestinon. I always needed it. Now I find I do not need it(be assured this is one of those drugs which I can take or not take as needed, not like other drugs I currently take.)
Randy and I are trusting God that this is indication of him answering prayer. I do not know how long a process this will be. I will take it step by step. There are many doubts and rationalizations which come into my mind, but these I turn over to the Lord. James says it is the prayer of faith which saves the sick. A double minded, doubting person doesn’t pray in faith and therefore doesn’t receive anything.
I said I am asking God to uphold his word, his promises related to prayer. Why? Because we are declaring (telling others) God is answering prayer. His name is on the line here, not just mine. My desire is to bring glory to him. God is glorified in his mighty acts…acts which we call on him to perform…in faith. Faith greatly pleases him (Hebrews 12:6). Everything I am saying here is grounded in scripture. I’ve not gone off the deep end! I’m afraid I haven’t given God his due in the faith area. He deserves more.
Now, I have to address the issue of Radiation therapy. I have an appointment for a consultation on Tuesday, December 2. Remember I asked for prayer that I might not have to go through radiation? Well, I still would like to avoid it, if possible. But I realized that I was tired of having to go through another thing which would make me tired, weak, sore, etc. Rather small of me, actually. Wrong motivation. God has been so gracious to me! Instead of a frightening experience, I have grown stronger and sailed through surgeries and chemotherapies. Yes, there has been real pain and discomfort and various other side effects. I am not denying them. But I have done so well that even my Oncologist said I was doing very well. Then he repeated it. I told him I thanked God.
When I agreed, at the very first visit with the oncological surgeon, to have the kind of surgery I had (breast conserving surgery rather than a mastectomy) I agreed to have follow up radiation, though I wasn’t happy about it. This is standard procedure for the kind of surgery I had, so as to lessen the likelihood of any cancer cells being left behind and causing a recurrence of the cancer. So, since I do not feel I should discontinue any therapies for cancer, I am obligated to follow through with the full regimen. I do this before the Lord.
Does that mean your prayers that I might avoid radiation were useless? Of course not. I plan to ask about the possibility of not taking the course of radiation. God may surprise me! But I am at this point submitting to what I agreed to for cancer treatment under the care of the doctors of Loma Linda University Medical Center. And I definitely need your prayers for God’s mercy to be extended to me through this treatment. There are unpleasant side effects and I pray they will be minimal. Those who have been through it understand these things. Everyone responds differently to treatments and I am again throwing myself on the mercies of God, taking nothing for granted.
How I thank God for your prayers for me! James, in chapter 5:14-16, after outlining in verses 14 and 15 how those who are sick are to go to the elders and ask them to pray and anoint with oil the sick person, and the prayer of faith will save the sick and God would bring healing and forgiveness of sins, goes on to say that we are to confess our faults to one another and pray for one another so that we may be healed. This is, I am sorry to say, what is so often lacking in many churches. We need this kind of face to face community, accountability, vulnerability to one another; and then forbearance, forgiveness and compassion for each other, and boldness to believe God…so that we can pray in true faith toward God and love for one another, so that we may be healed. By this (one means of acting in love for one another) we will be known as Christ’s disciples, and I believe God will be glorified.
This blog serves a purpose of sharing my needs with you, many of whom will pray for me. A blog is very deficient in many ways, so one sided, but it does share a need. And your prayers are significant and deeply appreciated. However, we need to develop and nurture the kind of relationships James points to in his letter so that we can have a greater effect in the body of Christ and in the world!
Oh that Christ would be magnified and glorified in us! Oh that we would love and trust him more so that he can do greater works through us! Then he would be glorified and his kingdom built up on earth!
This is why we live.
Jacque
Monday, November 17, 2008
I’ve been back home in West Virginia for two weeks and I have enjoyed every minute. God has always given me a great capacity to adjust to my circumstances, a gift of grace. So, when in California, with my children and grandchildren, receiving cancer treatment at one of the best medical facilities in the country, I was not anxious and “homesick” because I was surrounded by people who love and care for me, and I knew I needed to be there at this time. I still feel that way.
For 9 ½ months I had been away from my home in WV. When I walked in to my big old house two weeks ago a new emotion struck me, like a big inner smile, and my mind said, “this is my house, my home!”. Yes, with all its warts and shortcomings, this is still my home! Of course, without Randy, it would not be the same, but he is here and all is right.
We had lunch with our Mustard Seeds staff on Monday and what a nice time that was seeing everyone once again! These are very special people to me and I love and appreciate each one. God has blessed us with a great staff of people, the “Mustard Seed family”. On Sunday, Nov. 16, we all had a Thanksgiving dinner and even Emily, who was on staff until July, was there to join us.
Remember I requested prayer for my flight to WV because I still had a cold and plugged ear? I had a great flight east, no problems, and I tolerated the trip better than I anticipated. Thank you for your prayers! The next day I had more sinus congestion and coughing than the day of the flight!
This cold was in its 5th week with no signs of abatement. By Wednesday, when men and women on Mustard Seeds’ staff meet separately for prayer, Randy called all staff together to pray for me and anoint me with oil for healing of this cold and the myasthenia and cancer, too. Within two days the cold was gone and I could sleep on my normal 2 pillows rather than 4 or 5 to prop me into a half sitting position so I could breathe! Praise God!
My energy level has increased since being here. With the cold gone and with each day more distance from the date of the last chemotherapy, I gained more energy. It feels good to feel good! I’ve done a number of things while here, yet haven’t overdone it physically. I still take frequent breaks and rest a good bit; I still tire easily, but I am gaining strength and stamina bit by bit.
Another amazing thing is happening. I am taking this as from the hand of God in answer to prayer: I have needed less and less Mestinon, a maintenance drug for the muscle weakness (MG, Myasthenia Gravis). I am in my second day of NO Mestinon. This is a first in the 45 years I have been on this drug. I will continue to “play it by ear” and if I need to take it, I will. But I stand in awe of the goodness of God. Please continue to pray in faith with us that God will heal me completely of this cancer and the MG. He is glorified in the mighty works he does and I will praise him for his greatness and goodness.
I leave for CA on Thursday of this week, November 20th. The next day I go in for Herceptin infusion and will get some idea of a schedule for the next several months of receiving this drug (not considered chemotherapy since Herceptin targets the cancer cells and doesn’t kill other cells). I also will be having a consultation for Radiation. More on that later.
Thank you again for walking with me, for taking the time to pray for me. May your faith be built up as you do so.
Jacque
For 9 ½ months I had been away from my home in WV. When I walked in to my big old house two weeks ago a new emotion struck me, like a big inner smile, and my mind said, “this is my house, my home!”. Yes, with all its warts and shortcomings, this is still my home! Of course, without Randy, it would not be the same, but he is here and all is right.
We had lunch with our Mustard Seeds staff on Monday and what a nice time that was seeing everyone once again! These are very special people to me and I love and appreciate each one. God has blessed us with a great staff of people, the “Mustard Seed family”. On Sunday, Nov. 16, we all had a Thanksgiving dinner and even Emily, who was on staff until July, was there to join us.
Remember I requested prayer for my flight to WV because I still had a cold and plugged ear? I had a great flight east, no problems, and I tolerated the trip better than I anticipated. Thank you for your prayers! The next day I had more sinus congestion and coughing than the day of the flight!
This cold was in its 5th week with no signs of abatement. By Wednesday, when men and women on Mustard Seeds’ staff meet separately for prayer, Randy called all staff together to pray for me and anoint me with oil for healing of this cold and the myasthenia and cancer, too. Within two days the cold was gone and I could sleep on my normal 2 pillows rather than 4 or 5 to prop me into a half sitting position so I could breathe! Praise God!
My energy level has increased since being here. With the cold gone and with each day more distance from the date of the last chemotherapy, I gained more energy. It feels good to feel good! I’ve done a number of things while here, yet haven’t overdone it physically. I still take frequent breaks and rest a good bit; I still tire easily, but I am gaining strength and stamina bit by bit.
Another amazing thing is happening. I am taking this as from the hand of God in answer to prayer: I have needed less and less Mestinon, a maintenance drug for the muscle weakness (MG, Myasthenia Gravis). I am in my second day of NO Mestinon. This is a first in the 45 years I have been on this drug. I will continue to “play it by ear” and if I need to take it, I will. But I stand in awe of the goodness of God. Please continue to pray in faith with us that God will heal me completely of this cancer and the MG. He is glorified in the mighty works he does and I will praise him for his greatness and goodness.
I leave for CA on Thursday of this week, November 20th. The next day I go in for Herceptin infusion and will get some idea of a schedule for the next several months of receiving this drug (not considered chemotherapy since Herceptin targets the cancer cells and doesn’t kill other cells). I also will be having a consultation for Radiation. More on that later.
Thank you again for walking with me, for taking the time to pray for me. May your faith be built up as you do so.
Jacque
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I hold the Purple Heart Award. I received it today as I was leaving the Cancer Center after my 12th and final week’s chemotherapy session. As I was leaving the treatment center a nurse stopped me and with a big smile said she had to give me a hug. Another nurse also gave me a hug. Then another came up and asked if I had been given my “sheet”, to which I replied, “No,…my sheet?” She retrieved a white “certificate” which read,
“Purple Heart Award”
This is to certify that Jacqueline Wallace
has completed chemotherapy on this day, the 23rd of October, 2008.
It was signed on the back by several nurses.
This certificate bearing nurse also gave me a hug, and with big smiles they all wished me a wonderful time visiting my home (they all know I am set to fly home to West Virginia November 2 for a few weeks). I told them I was so thankful for each of them and just today had told someone how nice every nurse and the others working in the Cancer Center were. I hadn’t come across a grumpy one yet!
It is true. These ladies and the doctor I have and the others working there, are all the best, and I am thankful for the Lord’s care of me through them all these months.
I truthfully am glad to be done with the weekly sessions, though. It hadn’t come to grinding anxiousness to be done, if you know what I mean. I am just relieved it is over. Glad. God’s amazing peace continues to hold me in the realm of the “sane”!
I will have a month to recuperate. I fly to WV and will be in my own home with my hubby for 2 ½ weeks, visiting my friends and neighbors once again, enjoying my front porch (with all new posts and railings which Randy recently built and installed!) and savoring our lovely West Virginia scenes (even though I missed the fall colors). It will be 9 ½ months since I’ve been home.
Thank you for all your prayers for me to this point. God has been sustaining me. I have my times of frustration, such as when praying for healing from this cold which I have had for three weeks, yet I go back to God’s word, am encouraged and chastened in heart to remember to praise and thank God for his goodness to me. I have so much to be thankful for.
Though I have felt lazy mentally and physically, I have to try to find the balance I need, recognizing that physical and mental tiredness is part of this whole package of treatment. I guess I have to “give (myself) a break”, literally. I am looking forward to building up some measure of strength to start my walks again and getting other things accomplished. Of course, I will be resuming my Herceptin infusions (not considered chemotherapy) November 21, the day after I return from West Virginia, and will be starting radiation therapy sometime after that as well, which has as its major side-effect, (you guessed it! Tiredness!) Balance and perspective are very important!
Thanks again for praying for me. I will need it for some time to come! Prayer points:
+ Pray I get over this cold before I fly Sunday Nov.2 and that my plugged ear will not cause problems. Safety and strength for flying to and from WV.
+I have radiation next in the treatment regimen. Pray God allows me to forego the radiation. This would be a miracle since as far as I know they routinely do rad. after a lumpectomy. I really prefer not to do radiation with all the side effects.
+Healing of Monica's eye (daughter in law) who again had a freak eye poking accident and tore the cornea.
+Pray for Randy as he writes a book on missions and family involvement, as well as other books and articles.
'Til next time…
Jacque
“Purple Heart Award”
This is to certify that Jacqueline Wallace
has completed chemotherapy on this day, the 23rd of October, 2008.
It was signed on the back by several nurses.
This certificate bearing nurse also gave me a hug, and with big smiles they all wished me a wonderful time visiting my home (they all know I am set to fly home to West Virginia November 2 for a few weeks). I told them I was so thankful for each of them and just today had told someone how nice every nurse and the others working in the Cancer Center were. I hadn’t come across a grumpy one yet!
It is true. These ladies and the doctor I have and the others working there, are all the best, and I am thankful for the Lord’s care of me through them all these months.
I truthfully am glad to be done with the weekly sessions, though. It hadn’t come to grinding anxiousness to be done, if you know what I mean. I am just relieved it is over. Glad. God’s amazing peace continues to hold me in the realm of the “sane”!
I will have a month to recuperate. I fly to WV and will be in my own home with my hubby for 2 ½ weeks, visiting my friends and neighbors once again, enjoying my front porch (with all new posts and railings which Randy recently built and installed!) and savoring our lovely West Virginia scenes (even though I missed the fall colors). It will be 9 ½ months since I’ve been home.
Thank you for all your prayers for me to this point. God has been sustaining me. I have my times of frustration, such as when praying for healing from this cold which I have had for three weeks, yet I go back to God’s word, am encouraged and chastened in heart to remember to praise and thank God for his goodness to me. I have so much to be thankful for.
Though I have felt lazy mentally and physically, I have to try to find the balance I need, recognizing that physical and mental tiredness is part of this whole package of treatment. I guess I have to “give (myself) a break”, literally. I am looking forward to building up some measure of strength to start my walks again and getting other things accomplished. Of course, I will be resuming my Herceptin infusions (not considered chemotherapy) November 21, the day after I return from West Virginia, and will be starting radiation therapy sometime after that as well, which has as its major side-effect, (you guessed it! Tiredness!) Balance and perspective are very important!
Thanks again for praying for me. I will need it for some time to come! Prayer points:
+ Pray I get over this cold before I fly Sunday Nov.2 and that my plugged ear will not cause problems. Safety and strength for flying to and from WV.
+I have radiation next in the treatment regimen. Pray God allows me to forego the radiation. This would be a miracle since as far as I know they routinely do rad. after a lumpectomy. I really prefer not to do radiation with all the side effects.
+Healing of Monica's eye (daughter in law) who again had a freak eye poking accident and tore the cornea.
+Pray for Randy as he writes a book on missions and family involvement, as well as other books and articles.
'Til next time…
Jacque
Monday, October 6, 2008
You may have wondered if I was still out here. Yes, I am. A month has flown by since last I updated you on my progress. Good things have been going on over those days and I’ll catch you up a bit.
I have completed 9 of the 12 weekly chemo treatments of this second set of chemotherapy. I am now looking at 3 more weeks of infusions with two drugs and then on Friday, October 31, I start having just one drug infused every three weeks instead of every week (which will extend over the next 9 months). My blood test results continue to be in normal ranges. I have been strong although I haven’t been able to resume my morning walks like I was doing before, for various reasons. I would appreciate your prayers for me on that issue. Walking is the only exercise I can really get. It is healthy as long as I am able to do it, and I really enjoy it, too.
Tiredness is the major side effect of the chemo I am on now. A few other things are very minor and not a threat health wise to me, thank the Lord. I find as long as I don’t do much the days following chemo, I am usually back to “normal” by Monday. I am so very thankful to the Lord for all of this!
Now here is some exciting news: On November 2, after I start my “every three weeks” infusions, I get to fly back home to WV for almost three weeks! I haven’t been back home since I flew out here January 19. This is a gift from a friend and we are very grateful. I look forward to seeing lots of people and fussing around my house! Pray for my strength during those weeks (Nov 2-20). It will be very easy to overdo my activity level.
That is looking to the future. Now to look back over the past month. September 1 saw me driving north, winding my way higher and higher into the San Bernardino mountains to a Christian campground 45 minutes away for a personal spiritual retreat. I was able to do uninterrupted Bible study, meditating (thinking), and praying, in solitude, over the 48 hours I was there. God has been teaching me things in this life “parenthesis” and I am grateful for his presence and leading.
Over the past month I have developed more of a “schedule” to my weekly routine and am thankful I have the strength to pursue constructive activities which are helpful to others. Among other things, this has included resuming responsibilities with Mustard Seeds (since July), working remotely via computer and telephone. I am glad I can still be a part of the ministry even though so far away. I still tire easily some days, but overall I am doing well.
The last part of September, after another 5 week absence, Randy was able to fly out and spend two weeks here. He goes home again Wednesday, October 8. We had a couple days away and made that our birthday present to each other, since our birthdays fall 3 days apart the first of October. So our anniversary (this past June, 35 years) and birthdays were spent together even though we have had to spend months apart. Little blessings.
Through this time of physical distance between Randy and me, I have really felt for those in the military and other professions in which couples have to be separated for weeks or months at a time. It is difficult to maintain that close communication even though we have telephone and email. It is just not the same as being together and talking, sharing and praying together. Randy and I do a lot of that in our regular, ordinary day to day lives. So we miss it when we are apart. Please pray for us, and pray for those I mentioned, like military husbands and wives, who are separated for long periods of time.
Another point of update and interest. You will remember I asked prayer for the mother of a Mustard Seeds staff person, now former staffer but still part of the Mustard Seeds family, Emily Crawford. Her mom has a rare blood cancer and underwent chemotherapy. She seems to be feeling ok, without symptoms of the disease for the most part, but it is a long process for determining whether the chemo worked. There are other treatments, very unpleasant, which are being considered as well. Do continue to pray for wisdom and healing for Emily’s mom, Kay.
Currently Randy and I have sore throats and he has a cough. We thought these were allergies for both of us but now not sure. I have not been sick even with a sore throat in many months, thank God. With my weakened immune system I am more susceptible to illness yet God has so often graciously protected me. Now please pray for healing for both of us.
Thank you many times over for your prayers of faith for me, and Randy. Please don’t give up! One of the things God put his finger on in my life is the aspect of persistent praying. Jesus said we need to practice it, coming back over and over, not letting go of God. I have begun to pray for myself, especially for healing of the MG, more persistently. God is gracious and compassionate and hears the prayers of his children, unlike the unjust judge in Luke 18. Even he finally gave in to the persistent widow. How much more willing is our just and loving God to hear and answer our earnest prayers. There is more lack of faith on our side, unfounded as it is, than lack of desire to respond on our heavenly father’s side!
Jacque
I have completed 9 of the 12 weekly chemo treatments of this second set of chemotherapy. I am now looking at 3 more weeks of infusions with two drugs and then on Friday, October 31, I start having just one drug infused every three weeks instead of every week (which will extend over the next 9 months). My blood test results continue to be in normal ranges. I have been strong although I haven’t been able to resume my morning walks like I was doing before, for various reasons. I would appreciate your prayers for me on that issue. Walking is the only exercise I can really get. It is healthy as long as I am able to do it, and I really enjoy it, too.
Tiredness is the major side effect of the chemo I am on now. A few other things are very minor and not a threat health wise to me, thank the Lord. I find as long as I don’t do much the days following chemo, I am usually back to “normal” by Monday. I am so very thankful to the Lord for all of this!
Now here is some exciting news: On November 2, after I start my “every three weeks” infusions, I get to fly back home to WV for almost three weeks! I haven’t been back home since I flew out here January 19. This is a gift from a friend and we are very grateful. I look forward to seeing lots of people and fussing around my house! Pray for my strength during those weeks (Nov 2-20). It will be very easy to overdo my activity level.
That is looking to the future. Now to look back over the past month. September 1 saw me driving north, winding my way higher and higher into the San Bernardino mountains to a Christian campground 45 minutes away for a personal spiritual retreat. I was able to do uninterrupted Bible study, meditating (thinking), and praying, in solitude, over the 48 hours I was there. God has been teaching me things in this life “parenthesis” and I am grateful for his presence and leading.
Over the past month I have developed more of a “schedule” to my weekly routine and am thankful I have the strength to pursue constructive activities which are helpful to others. Among other things, this has included resuming responsibilities with Mustard Seeds (since July), working remotely via computer and telephone. I am glad I can still be a part of the ministry even though so far away. I still tire easily some days, but overall I am doing well.
The last part of September, after another 5 week absence, Randy was able to fly out and spend two weeks here. He goes home again Wednesday, October 8. We had a couple days away and made that our birthday present to each other, since our birthdays fall 3 days apart the first of October. So our anniversary (this past June, 35 years) and birthdays were spent together even though we have had to spend months apart. Little blessings.
Through this time of physical distance between Randy and me, I have really felt for those in the military and other professions in which couples have to be separated for weeks or months at a time. It is difficult to maintain that close communication even though we have telephone and email. It is just not the same as being together and talking, sharing and praying together. Randy and I do a lot of that in our regular, ordinary day to day lives. So we miss it when we are apart. Please pray for us, and pray for those I mentioned, like military husbands and wives, who are separated for long periods of time.
Another point of update and interest. You will remember I asked prayer for the mother of a Mustard Seeds staff person, now former staffer but still part of the Mustard Seeds family, Emily Crawford. Her mom has a rare blood cancer and underwent chemotherapy. She seems to be feeling ok, without symptoms of the disease for the most part, but it is a long process for determining whether the chemo worked. There are other treatments, very unpleasant, which are being considered as well. Do continue to pray for wisdom and healing for Emily’s mom, Kay.
Currently Randy and I have sore throats and he has a cough. We thought these were allergies for both of us but now not sure. I have not been sick even with a sore throat in many months, thank God. With my weakened immune system I am more susceptible to illness yet God has so often graciously protected me. Now please pray for healing for both of us.
Thank you many times over for your prayers of faith for me, and Randy. Please don’t give up! One of the things God put his finger on in my life is the aspect of persistent praying. Jesus said we need to practice it, coming back over and over, not letting go of God. I have begun to pray for myself, especially for healing of the MG, more persistently. God is gracious and compassionate and hears the prayers of his children, unlike the unjust judge in Luke 18. Even he finally gave in to the persistent widow. How much more willing is our just and loving God to hear and answer our earnest prayers. There is more lack of faith on our side, unfounded as it is, than lack of desire to respond on our heavenly father’s side!
Jacque
Monday, September 1, 2008
I’m so tired and sleepy I can hardly keep my eyes open, yet I’ve lain in bed for two hours and cannot fall asleep. No, I didn’t have espresso before bedtime. Sleeplessness is a side effect of the Decadron they give as one of the pre-meds before chemo. It helps with the stress of chemotherapy to the body. I already take Prednisone, which is a similar corticosteroid drug. Put them together and what do you get? Well, it’s not bippity, boppity boo, I’ll tell you that. I just can’t remember…. Ah, another side effect of chemo; chemo brain. It is the happening thing these days, for me anyway. Now, where was I…?
I’ve been thinking about parentheses. (You know, those little sideways curves people put colons or other marks with to make smiles or frowns. Actually, they do have another purpose.) I’ve been living within a parenthesis the last seven months. Maybe you have lived in one, too, and know what I am talking about. Mine is so wide it feels like I can stretch my arms out at my sides as far as they will reach and I cannot touch the sides, those smiley/frowny curves. Nor have I yet traveled halfway through my parenthesis. At seven months I think I am roughly 1/3 of the way through.
Living in a parenthesis is not the same as being set aside, as on a shelf, unused. No, a parenthesis has a purpose. It contains the parenthetical phrase. Now, I am not an English major, nor a grammarian (if there is such a term), but I did listen a bit in school. A parenthetical phrase usually gives you information about what was just said, but in an “aside”, or as if you cupped your hand over your mouth and whispered to the listener so they might better understand your meaning. It is sometimes used to clarify what went before so you better understand what will come after.
I think that is where my life is just now, in this parenthesis; this long, yawning space in which I live and breathe, and listen and learn. Waiting on the Lord. Yet not inactive, not passive. On the contrary, I am very active in my seeking and searching the heart and mind of God. And he is not silent. He is speaking into my ear, behind his cupped hand, giving me deeper insight and understanding.
One of the things he is pointing out is this idea of “the race marked out for us” (remember Hebrews 12?) and how that relates to “deny yourself and take up your cross daily”, and follow Jesus. I’m still contemplating these words.
There are other things he has made clear to me as I’ve prayed for wisdom and direction for Randy and myself, in our personal lives as well as ministry, which are interwoven. To me this is exciting.
There is a song which is probably relegated to the missionary song category, but I believe it should be the heart cry of every believer in Jesus Christ. It talks about the fear of territory unknown, leaving what is comfortable and safe to follow the Lord in obedience. But Jesus has promised to be with me. It speaks of a ship in the harbor, safe and secure from harm, but then it says, it was not built to be there, it was made for wind and storm. The chorus goes, All I know is you have called me, and that I will follow is all I can say. I will go where you will send me, for your fire lights my way.
This, this is my heart cry to the Lord. The one who bought me with his blood, the Lord who called me to love and serve him with all I am. Whatever this race marked out for me entails, I want with all my heart to follow Jesus in it, following by the light of his presence.
In this parenthesis, this holy place, I will keep seeking his face and listening with all my might to what he may whisper in my ear. That I might be holy, love him more and serve him better.
(I choose to make those parentheses Smiley curves, rather than frowns.)
Jacque
I’ve been thinking about parentheses. (You know, those little sideways curves people put colons or other marks with to make smiles or frowns. Actually, they do have another purpose.) I’ve been living within a parenthesis the last seven months. Maybe you have lived in one, too, and know what I am talking about. Mine is so wide it feels like I can stretch my arms out at my sides as far as they will reach and I cannot touch the sides, those smiley/frowny curves. Nor have I yet traveled halfway through my parenthesis. At seven months I think I am roughly 1/3 of the way through.
Living in a parenthesis is not the same as being set aside, as on a shelf, unused. No, a parenthesis has a purpose. It contains the parenthetical phrase. Now, I am not an English major, nor a grammarian (if there is such a term), but I did listen a bit in school. A parenthetical phrase usually gives you information about what was just said, but in an “aside”, or as if you cupped your hand over your mouth and whispered to the listener so they might better understand your meaning. It is sometimes used to clarify what went before so you better understand what will come after.
I think that is where my life is just now, in this parenthesis; this long, yawning space in which I live and breathe, and listen and learn. Waiting on the Lord. Yet not inactive, not passive. On the contrary, I am very active in my seeking and searching the heart and mind of God. And he is not silent. He is speaking into my ear, behind his cupped hand, giving me deeper insight and understanding.
One of the things he is pointing out is this idea of “the race marked out for us” (remember Hebrews 12?) and how that relates to “deny yourself and take up your cross daily”, and follow Jesus. I’m still contemplating these words.
There are other things he has made clear to me as I’ve prayed for wisdom and direction for Randy and myself, in our personal lives as well as ministry, which are interwoven. To me this is exciting.
There is a song which is probably relegated to the missionary song category, but I believe it should be the heart cry of every believer in Jesus Christ. It talks about the fear of territory unknown, leaving what is comfortable and safe to follow the Lord in obedience. But Jesus has promised to be with me. It speaks of a ship in the harbor, safe and secure from harm, but then it says, it was not built to be there, it was made for wind and storm. The chorus goes, All I know is you have called me, and that I will follow is all I can say. I will go where you will send me, for your fire lights my way.
This, this is my heart cry to the Lord. The one who bought me with his blood, the Lord who called me to love and serve him with all I am. Whatever this race marked out for me entails, I want with all my heart to follow Jesus in it, following by the light of his presence.
In this parenthesis, this holy place, I will keep seeking his face and listening with all my might to what he may whisper in my ear. That I might be holy, love him more and serve him better.
(I choose to make those parentheses Smiley curves, rather than frowns.)
Jacque
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