Radiation therapy started yesterday. I will go in every day for several weeks (probably 7 in all). They do a lot of measuring and marking (lines and crosses and now two tattoos, just dots) on my chest, X-rays and finally the actual “treatment” with radiation. I assume once they get all the preliminaries done it will take only 15 minutes per session they said it would take. I’d rather they be absolutely certain where those “rad rays” are going so if it takes a bit of time, that’s ok.

I had two sets of actual radiation treatment today. The first took 1 minute, the second 30 seconds. As I lay there and try to relax, I pray the radiologists get it absolutely right, that no tissue or organs or systems are damaged, that the side effects will be minimal. Please pray with me.

They have to irradiate the lymph nodes higher in the chest/neck area, ones they did not surgically remove. Pray with me that my lymph system is not damaged by this process.

And I would appreciate your prayers for healing from another sinus congestion/cold. It started the weekend before radiation started. The coughing tires me and the struggle to breathe when lying down disrupts my sleep, compounding the tiredness.

Other than that I’m doing fine! The weather’s beautiful and clear, which means you can see the mountains because no smog is obliterating the view. My favorite southern California time of year. (Several years ago, after recently moving to West Virginia, someone doing a survey asked me about the air pollution in WV. After having lived in S. Cali for a dozen years in the 1980’s, I almost laughed! In West Virginia I only “see the air” when a passing train belches smoke or there is “legitimate” fog!)

Thanks for caring, and praying. In this coming new year, I pray that you will prosper and be in good health even as your soul prospers (3 John 2).

Jacque

Last week Thursday (Dec 18) marked one year since my breast cancer diagnosis. I didn’t actually think about it very much until after the fact. I am not much for those kinds of “anniversaries”. But it is significant to realize a whole year has gone by, a year of my life (and at my age that is nothing to sniff at), which was full of changes, significant changes. Changes which were not small but on the order of an 8.0 on the Richter scale. They got my, and our, attention.

At first I felt like I was in the fighter’s ring and took a hard stomach punch. Now, I am not a violent nor athletic person, so my abdominal muscles were not prepared for such a punch, metaphorically speaking. It sort of knocked me on my butt and took my breath away (while I am thinking, what am I doing in this boxing ring??!!). All was unreal for awhile.

It was a great comfort and strength to me to have my best friend and companion, my husband Randy, at my side, helping me make decisions, yet not running ahead of me, rather, walking with me step by step. His love and support cannot be estimated, cannot be measured. It was and is much more than I can ever put into figures or words. Really, that is what love is all about. My “cup” overflows with blessing because of him.

Many people have commented how strong I am and have been through all that has happened to me since that diagnosis of breast cancer one year ago. Let me be the first to say, I am not strong. But I thank God I know who is; Jesus Christ, the living son of God. And I just want to thank God my Father for “causing to be written” his Word for us. I go to God’s word and prayer and there is where I find strength. In communicating with the living God, reading his words, which are so deep no one will ever fully plumb their depths, I find what I need to do and grace to do it.

I distinctly remember resuming my reading in the Psalms right after my diagnosis. I was at Psalm 111 which opens, “Praise the LORD! I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart…”, and my heart said, no I don’t . I don’t feel like praising God. I feel like I’ve just been punched. I’d rather demand “why” this is happening to me. I have a heavy weight someone just dumped on me and I definitely do not like it, especially since it can kill me.

Then, while these feelings and thoughts are steam rolling through my head and heart, I am acknowledging, “yes, I will praise the LORD, because I know that is just what I need to do, I must do”, especially since I am so hurt and don’t want to do it. How much more important that I do praise God in the face of these conflicting and dark feelings! If I praise God in the sunny meadows but refuse to praise him in the dark valley, I am a hypocrite. Before God, I fear that more than cancer itself.

That moment, I chose to praise God. A sheer act of the will. All has flowed from that choice.

It’s true, if you give God an inch, he will take a mile! And boy am I glad of that! When I chose to praise God, not for cancer but for who he is regardless of my physical state, I put myself in his arms, so to speak, like a child safe in the arms of his daddy, and all his comfort and grace for my need was then poured out on me in the days which followed. As long as I stay in that safe, dependent place, I am strengthened with “resurrection” power. When I cry tears of hurt and confusion and fear, pleading with my Abba Father, he is there to pick me up off the floor and set me down next to him, his arm around me. He gives me a “future and a hope”, and no one else can do that, no one.

If I have nothing else to praise God for other than who he is and all the mighty works he has done, surely that is enough, isn’t it? It should be. Just take a hard look at the cross.

I daily seek to “fix my eyes on Jesus” and be a faithful follower of his. This is a much better perspective to have than having my eyes on me.

May we all see Jesus in his strange disguise this Christmas season…and let him bring change to our lives.

Jacque

I’m back in California resuming my Herceptin infusions. It had been a month since I had my last infusion, along with the final chemotherapy. Herceptin is technically not considered chemotherapy (since it targets only the cancer cells) and will continue for the next 9 months, administered usually every three weeks. I had a big blast of Herceptin on Friday November 21, the day after I arrived back in CA. It went well, I rested over the week-end, and was able to attend church and resume my new ministry of Prayer Partner, going down front after the service and being available for those who wish to pray with someone. There were about 4 other Prayer Partners that morning, ready to pray with those who stood in need of it. I hope to get to know them better.

I enjoyed immensely my time back home in West Virginia. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it! It was great spending time with my friends on Mustard Seed staff, our “home church” missional community, and other neighbors and friends.

There were sad elements, though. A friend’s grandfather died and it was hard on her and her family. And a neighbor who had lived in my community all his life, who told Randy stories of playing in our very yard as a boy many years ago, died in hospital while I was there. Mustard Seeds had worked on his home more than once over the years and he received witness of God’s love and Jesus’ sacrifice for him, but was always resistant to the gospel. It was another neighbor, who had known this man for many, many years who related that she had talked to him before he went to hospital, and he did pray with her to receive Christ as his savior. What a blessing to know that! I truly hope to see him in heaven. God is merciful and compassionate, willing to forgive our sins, more so than we are to forgive ourselves!

Randy had told me they’d already had cold weather in WV and once or twice it actually snowed. Yet when I arrived at Yeager Airport (named for Chuck Yeager, who hailed from WV) in Charleston, I stepped off the plane into 70 degree weather! What a surprise! We enjoyed gorgeous weather for a few days and I spent as much time as I could on my front porch. Then we had chilly, rainy weather move in. But you know, I still think the hills are beautiful, with the tree’s leaves down and matted on the ground, the rocky outcroppings exposed. I’ve always enjoyed and gloried in God’s creative flourishes in the fall and winter seasons, especially living in West Virginia.

A few days before I had to leave WV, it turned cold and we had snow. Beautiful! We had to drive in it one day and it can be treacherous, but God kept us safe our whole trip that day. I do prefer to stay off the roads in that kind of weather, stay indoors in my cozy home or bundled up, and with cups of hot chocolate, my hubby and I sit on the porch together watching the snow come down, covering trees and bushes, lawns and mountainsides. Who said late fall and winter are depressing? There is beauty all around if we look with seeing eyes. Thankful eyes. God has been teaching me for a number of years about this very thing. How good and patient his is!

As the days progressed, putting more time behind me since the final chemotherapy, and after God healed me of the cold I endured for 5 weeks (which he healed in answer in believing prayer by Randy and our staff on Wednesday following my arrival there), I gained in energy and strength and was able to do a number of things, including joining staff meetings 3 mornings a week and doing some Mustard Seeds business in the office. I rested when I got tired, because I still don’t have a lot of stamina, and took walks around my yard, which, because of the slope, was about all the exercise I could handle. I miss gardening and one day collected the few seeds I could find left from some of my flowering plants. I have them here and plan to pot them and see if they will transplant to this southern California climate!

When Randy gathered our staff on that first Wednesday morning, as the men ended their prayer time and the women on staff were about to start ours, Randy asked that they pray for my healing of the cold, the cancer and the myasthenia gravis. He anointed me with oil as James talks about in his epistle, (and which we had asked for from the elders in the church I am attending now in CA) and they prayed in faith for me with the above requests. Randy has been praying for my healing from MG (myasthenia gravis) as well as the cancer, for almost the past year, since my diagnosis in December 2007. So have others, some for many, many years. God has convicted me of my failure to persist in prayer for my own healing from MG over the 45 years I have had it. Something finally “clicked” inside me and I am coming to him with all the faith I have, small as it is, casting my doubts and fears right back on him and praying for faith, like the father whose son had a terrible demon! “Lord, help my unbelief!”

Now I am coming to God to uphold his word. Since Sunday November 16 I have not taken a Mestinon pill. This is a cholinesterase inhibitor which I have taken since I was first diagnosed with MG back in 1965. I have never, since I was first put on it, not taken Mestinon. I always needed it. Now I find I do not need it(be assured this is one of those drugs which I can take or not take as needed, not like other drugs I currently take.)

Randy and I are trusting God that this is indication of him answering prayer. I do not know how long a process this will be. I will take it step by step. There are many doubts and rationalizations which come into my mind, but these I turn over to the Lord. James says it is the prayer of faith which saves the sick. A double minded, doubting person doesn’t pray in faith and therefore doesn’t receive anything.

I said I am asking God to uphold his word, his promises related to prayer. Why? Because we are declaring (telling others) God is answering prayer. His name is on the line here, not just mine. My desire is to bring glory to him. God is glorified in his mighty acts…acts which we call on him to perform…in faith. Faith greatly pleases him (Hebrews 12:6). Everything I am saying here is grounded in scripture. I’ve not gone off the deep end! I’m afraid I haven’t given God his due in the faith area. He deserves more.

Now, I have to address the issue of Radiation therapy. I have an appointment for a consultation on Tuesday, December 2. Remember I asked for prayer that I might not have to go through radiation? Well, I still would like to avoid it, if possible. But I realized that I was tired of having to go through another thing which would make me tired, weak, sore, etc. Rather small of me, actually. Wrong motivation. God has been so gracious to me! Instead of a frightening experience, I have grown stronger and sailed through surgeries and chemotherapies. Yes, there has been real pain and discomfort and various other side effects. I am not denying them. But I have done so well that even my Oncologist said I was doing very well. Then he repeated it. I told him I thanked God.

When I agreed, at the very first visit with the oncological surgeon, to have the kind of surgery I had (breast conserving surgery rather than a mastectomy) I agreed to have follow up radiation, though I wasn’t happy about it. This is standard procedure for the kind of surgery I had, so as to lessen the likelihood of any cancer cells being left behind and causing a recurrence of the cancer. So, since I do not feel I should discontinue any therapies for cancer, I am obligated to follow through with the full regimen. I do this before the Lord.

Does that mean your prayers that I might avoid radiation were useless? Of course not. I plan to ask about the possibility of not taking the course of radiation. God may surprise me! But I am at this point submitting to what I agreed to for cancer treatment under the care of the doctors of Loma Linda University Medical Center. And I definitely need your prayers for God’s mercy to be extended to me through this treatment. There are unpleasant side effects and I pray they will be minimal. Those who have been through it understand these things. Everyone responds differently to treatments and I am again throwing myself on the mercies of God, taking nothing for granted.

How I thank God for your prayers for me! James, in chapter 5:14-16, after outlining in verses 14 and 15 how those who are sick are to go to the elders and ask them to pray and anoint with oil the sick person, and the prayer of faith will save the sick and God would bring healing and forgiveness of sins, goes on to say that we are to confess our faults to one another and pray for one another so that we may be healed. This is, I am sorry to say, what is so often lacking in many churches. We need this kind of face to face community, accountability, vulnerability to one another; and then forbearance, forgiveness and compassion for each other, and boldness to believe God…so that we can pray in true faith toward God and love for one another, so that we may be healed. By this (one means of acting in love for one another) we will be known as Christ’s disciples, and I believe God will be glorified.

This blog serves a purpose of sharing my needs with you, many of whom will pray for me. A blog is very deficient in many ways, so one sided, but it does share a need. And your prayers are significant and deeply appreciated. However, we need to develop and nurture the kind of relationships James points to in his letter so that we can have a greater effect in the body of Christ and in the world!

Oh that Christ would be magnified and glorified in us! Oh that we would love and trust him more so that he can do greater works through us! Then he would be glorified and his kingdom built up on earth!
This is why we live.

Jacque

I’ve been back home in West Virginia for two weeks and I have enjoyed every minute. God has always given me a great capacity to adjust to my circumstances, a gift of grace. So, when in California, with my children and grandchildren, receiving cancer treatment at one of the best medical facilities in the country, I was not anxious and “homesick” because I was surrounded by people who love and care for me, and I knew I needed to be there at this time. I still feel that way.

For 9 ½ months I had been away from my home in WV. When I walked in to my big old house two weeks ago a new emotion struck me, like a big inner smile, and my mind said, “this is my house, my home!”. Yes, with all its warts and shortcomings, this is still my home! Of course, without Randy, it would not be the same, but he is here and all is right.

We had lunch with our Mustard Seeds staff on Monday and what a nice time that was seeing everyone once again! These are very special people to me and I love and appreciate each one. God has blessed us with a great staff of people, the “Mustard Seed family”. On Sunday, Nov. 16, we all had a Thanksgiving dinner and even Emily, who was on staff until July, was there to join us.

Remember I requested prayer for my flight to WV because I still had a cold and plugged ear? I had a great flight east, no problems, and I tolerated the trip better than I anticipated. Thank you for your prayers! The next day I had more sinus congestion and coughing than the day of the flight!

This cold was in its 5th week with no signs of abatement. By Wednesday, when men and women on Mustard Seeds’ staff meet separately for prayer, Randy called all staff together to pray for me and anoint me with oil for healing of this cold and the myasthenia and cancer, too. Within two days the cold was gone and I could sleep on my normal 2 pillows rather than 4 or 5 to prop me into a half sitting position so I could breathe! Praise God!

My energy level has increased since being here. With the cold gone and with each day more distance from the date of the last chemotherapy, I gained more energy. It feels good to feel good! I’ve done a number of things while here, yet haven’t overdone it physically. I still take frequent breaks and rest a good bit; I still tire easily, but I am gaining strength and stamina bit by bit.

Another amazing thing is happening. I am taking this as from the hand of God in answer to prayer: I have needed less and less Mestinon, a maintenance drug for the muscle weakness (MG, Myasthenia Gravis). I am in my second day of NO Mestinon. This is a first in the 45 years I have been on this drug. I will continue to “play it by ear” and if I need to take it, I will. But I stand in awe of the goodness of God. Please continue to pray in faith with us that God will heal me completely of this cancer and the MG. He is glorified in the mighty works he does and I will praise him for his greatness and goodness.

I leave for CA on Thursday of this week, November 20th. The next day I go in for Herceptin infusion and will get some idea of a schedule for the next several months of receiving this drug (not considered chemotherapy since Herceptin targets the cancer cells and doesn’t kill other cells). I also will be having a consultation for Radiation. More on that later.

Thank you again for walking with me, for taking the time to pray for me. May your faith be built up as you do so.

Jacque

I hold the Purple Heart Award. I received it today as I was leaving the Cancer Center after my 12th and final week’s chemotherapy session. As I was leaving the treatment center a nurse stopped me and with a big smile said she had to give me a hug. Another nurse also gave me a hug. Then another came up and asked if I had been given my “sheet”, to which I replied, “No,…my sheet?” She retrieved a white “certificate” which read,

“Purple Heart Award”
This is to certify that Jacqueline Wallace
has completed chemotherapy on this day, the 23rd of October, 2008.

It was signed on the back by several nurses.

This certificate bearing nurse also gave me a hug, and with big smiles they all wished me a wonderful time visiting my home (they all know I am set to fly home to West Virginia November 2 for a few weeks). I told them I was so thankful for each of them and just today had told someone how nice every nurse and the others working in the Cancer Center were. I hadn’t come across a grumpy one yet!

It is true. These ladies and the doctor I have and the others working there, are all the best, and I am thankful for the Lord’s care of me through them all these months.

I truthfully am glad to be done with the weekly sessions, though. It hadn’t come to grinding anxiousness to be done, if you know what I mean. I am just relieved it is over. Glad. God’s amazing peace continues to hold me in the realm of the “sane”!

I will have a month to recuperate. I fly to WV and will be in my own home with my hubby for 2 ½ weeks, visiting my friends and neighbors once again, enjoying my front porch (with all new posts and railings which Randy recently built and installed!) and savoring our lovely West Virginia scenes (even though I missed the fall colors). It will be 9 ½ months since I’ve been home.

Thank you for all your prayers for me to this point. God has been sustaining me. I have my times of frustration, such as when praying for healing from this cold which I have had for three weeks, yet I go back to God’s word, am encouraged and chastened in heart to remember to praise and thank God for his goodness to me. I have so much to be thankful for.

Though I have felt lazy mentally and physically, I have to try to find the balance I need, recognizing that physical and mental tiredness is part of this whole package of treatment. I guess I have to “give (myself) a break”, literally. I am looking forward to building up some measure of strength to start my walks again and getting other things accomplished. Of course, I will be resuming my Herceptin infusions (not considered chemotherapy) November 21, the day after I return from West Virginia, and will be starting radiation therapy sometime after that as well, which has as its major side-effect, (you guessed it! Tiredness!) Balance and perspective are very important!

Thanks again for praying for me. I will need it for some time to come! Prayer points:
+ Pray I get over this cold before I fly Sunday Nov.2 and that my plugged ear will not cause problems. Safety and strength for flying to and from WV.
+I have radiation next in the treatment regimen. Pray God allows me to forego the radiation. This would be a miracle since as far as I know they routinely do rad. after a lumpectomy. I really prefer not to do radiation with all the side effects.
+Healing of Monica's eye (daughter in law) who again had a freak eye poking accident and tore the cornea.
+Pray for Randy as he writes a book on missions and family involvement, as well as other books and articles.

'Til next time…

Jacque

You may have wondered if I was still out here. Yes, I am. A month has flown by since last I updated you on my progress. Good things have been going on over those days and I’ll catch you up a bit.

I have completed 9 of the 12 weekly chemo treatments of this second set of chemotherapy. I am now looking at 3 more weeks of infusions with two drugs and then on Friday, October 31, I start having just one drug infused every three weeks instead of every week (which will extend over the next 9 months). My blood test results continue to be in normal ranges. I have been strong although I haven’t been able to resume my morning walks like I was doing before, for various reasons. I would appreciate your prayers for me on that issue. Walking is the only exercise I can really get. It is healthy as long as I am able to do it, and I really enjoy it, too.

Tiredness is the major side effect of the chemo I am on now. A few other things are very minor and not a threat health wise to me, thank the Lord. I find as long as I don’t do much the days following chemo, I am usually back to “normal” by Monday. I am so very thankful to the Lord for all of this!

Now here is some exciting news: On November 2, after I start my “every three weeks” infusions, I get to fly back home to WV for almost three weeks! I haven’t been back home since I flew out here January 19. This is a gift from a friend and we are very grateful. I look forward to seeing lots of people and fussing around my house! Pray for my strength during those weeks (Nov 2-20). It will be very easy to overdo my activity level.

That is looking to the future. Now to look back over the past month. September 1 saw me driving north, winding my way higher and higher into the San Bernardino mountains to a Christian campground 45 minutes away for a personal spiritual retreat. I was able to do uninterrupted Bible study, meditating (thinking), and praying, in solitude, over the 48 hours I was there. God has been teaching me things in this life “parenthesis” and I am grateful for his presence and leading.

Over the past month I have developed more of a “schedule” to my weekly routine and am thankful I have the strength to pursue constructive activities which are helpful to others. Among other things, this has included resuming responsibilities with Mustard Seeds (since July), working remotely via computer and telephone. I am glad I can still be a part of the ministry even though so far away. I still tire easily some days, but overall I am doing well.

The last part of September, after another 5 week absence, Randy was able to fly out and spend two weeks here. He goes home again Wednesday, October 8. We had a couple days away and made that our birthday present to each other, since our birthdays fall 3 days apart the first of October. So our anniversary (this past June, 35 years) and birthdays were spent together even though we have had to spend months apart. Little blessings.

Through this time of physical distance between Randy and me, I have really felt for those in the military and other professions in which couples have to be separated for weeks or months at a time. It is difficult to maintain that close communication even though we have telephone and email. It is just not the same as being together and talking, sharing and praying together. Randy and I do a lot of that in our regular, ordinary day to day lives. So we miss it when we are apart. Please pray for us, and pray for those I mentioned, like military husbands and wives, who are separated for long periods of time.

Another point of update and interest. You will remember I asked prayer for the mother of a Mustard Seeds staff person, now former staffer but still part of the Mustard Seeds family, Emily Crawford. Her mom has a rare blood cancer and underwent chemotherapy. She seems to be feeling ok, without symptoms of the disease for the most part, but it is a long process for determining whether the chemo worked. There are other treatments, very unpleasant, which are being considered as well. Do continue to pray for wisdom and healing for Emily’s mom, Kay.

Currently Randy and I have sore throats and he has a cough. We thought these were allergies for both of us but now not sure. I have not been sick even with a sore throat in many months, thank God. With my weakened immune system I am more susceptible to illness yet God has so often graciously protected me. Now please pray for healing for both of us.

Thank you many times over for your prayers of faith for me, and Randy. Please don’t give up! One of the things God put his finger on in my life is the aspect of persistent praying. Jesus said we need to practice it, coming back over and over, not letting go of God. I have begun to pray for myself, especially for healing of the MG, more persistently. God is gracious and compassionate and hears the prayers of his children, unlike the unjust judge in Luke 18. Even he finally gave in to the persistent widow. How much more willing is our just and loving God to hear and answer our earnest prayers. There is more lack of faith on our side, unfounded as it is, than lack of desire to respond on our heavenly father’s side!

Jacque

I’m so tired and sleepy I can hardly keep my eyes open, yet I’ve lain in bed for two hours and cannot fall asleep. No, I didn’t have espresso before bedtime. Sleeplessness is a side effect of the Decadron they give as one of the pre-meds before chemo. It helps with the stress of chemotherapy to the body. I already take Prednisone, which is a similar corticosteroid drug. Put them together and what do you get? Well, it’s not bippity, boppity boo, I’ll tell you that. I just can’t remember…. Ah, another side effect of chemo; chemo brain. It is the happening thing these days, for me anyway. Now, where was I…?

I’ve been thinking about parentheses. (You know, those little sideways curves people put colons or other marks with to make smiles or frowns. Actually, they do have another purpose.) I’ve been living within a parenthesis the last seven months. Maybe you have lived in one, too, and know what I am talking about. Mine is so wide it feels like I can stretch my arms out at my sides as far as they will reach and I cannot touch the sides, those smiley/frowny curves. Nor have I yet traveled halfway through my parenthesis. At seven months I think I am roughly 1/3 of the way through.

Living in a parenthesis is not the same as being set aside, as on a shelf, unused. No, a parenthesis has a purpose. It contains the parenthetical phrase. Now, I am not an English major, nor a grammarian (if there is such a term), but I did listen a bit in school. A parenthetical phrase usually gives you information about what was just said, but in an “aside”, or as if you cupped your hand over your mouth and whispered to the listener so they might better understand your meaning. It is sometimes used to clarify what went before so you better understand what will come after.

I think that is where my life is just now, in this parenthesis; this long, yawning space in which I live and breathe, and listen and learn. Waiting on the Lord. Yet not inactive, not passive. On the contrary, I am very active in my seeking and searching the heart and mind of God. And he is not silent. He is speaking into my ear, behind his cupped hand, giving me deeper insight and understanding.

One of the things he is pointing out is this idea of “the race marked out for us” (remember Hebrews 12?) and how that relates to “deny yourself and take up your cross daily”, and follow Jesus. I’m still contemplating these words.

There are other things he has made clear to me as I’ve prayed for wisdom and direction for Randy and myself, in our personal lives as well as ministry, which are interwoven. To me this is exciting.

There is a song which is probably relegated to the missionary song category, but I believe it should be the heart cry of every believer in Jesus Christ. It talks about the fear of territory unknown, leaving what is comfortable and safe to follow the Lord in obedience. But Jesus has promised to be with me. It speaks of a ship in the harbor, safe and secure from harm, but then it says, it was not built to be there, it was made for wind and storm. The chorus goes, All I know is you have called me, and that I will follow is all I can say. I will go where you will send me, for your fire lights my way.

This, this is my heart cry to the Lord. The one who bought me with his blood, the Lord who called me to love and serve him with all I am. Whatever this race marked out for me entails, I want with all my heart to follow Jesus in it, following by the light of his presence.

In this parenthesis, this holy place, I will keep seeking his face and listening with all my might to what he may whisper in my ear. That I might be holy, love him more and serve him better.

(I choose to make those parentheses Smiley curves, rather than frowns.)

Jacque

I have had three of my 12 weekly chemo sessions so far. The first went very well. The second was the week Randy was here and he sat with me all morning (these are usually running about 4 plus hours). We couldn’t go to lunch together as we had hoped since I was just too tired afterwards and went home and slept for an hour. No other symptoms I was aware of. Yesterday, my third session, I felt heavy sleepiness overcome me, weakness radiated through my shoulders and upper arms, breathing affected so that I wanted to take big yawny type breaths because I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. I have experienced this kind of thing before related to the MG weakness. It may be a reaction to the drug Taxol. I mentioned it to the nurse and I will monitor this.

I refuse to take the Benadryl they include in the pre-meds for fear of an adverse affect related to MG. I almost was given it mistakenly yesterday and the nurse said she caught it in time. I almost wondered if I did get some, due to the weakness I was experiencing. I think I should write NO BENADRYL on a piece of masking tape and put it on my forehead! Although the nurses are very thorough and read carefully the notes on my orders for the day. The doctor had written instructions about no Benadryl but it was on another sheet.

This is an important issue to be aware of whenever you are under medical care. The patient must be on top of what is being done for him or her. I have asked, “What is that pill?” “ What is it for?”, if I don’t recognize the name of the drug. Like with the Benadryl during the first session, it was in pill form (otherwise I might not have known they were going to give it to me via infusion as almost happened yesterday) and I asked what those pills were. They automatically give certain drugs prior to the chemo drugs, two of which are Tylenol and Benadryl. When the nurse told me what they were, I said I wouldn’t be taking the Benadryl. Not a problem. I didn’t take it.

I try to be aware of what is going into my body. Ultimately I am the one being affected by everything done to and for me. If I cannot be alert enough to watch out for myself, it is good to have another person there to do it for me. When done in the right manner, questioning the nurse or doctor shouldn’t be threatening to them. Usually they are more than happy to answer questions and concerns. (And if you get someone with an attitude you may need to assert yourself a bit.) And everyone is human and subject to making mistakes. I am, you are and medical professionals are. We all try our best but sometimes foul up. It never hurts to double check.

So I am a quarter of the way through my final chemo therapy! Yes, I am at the stage of counting the weeks. My mother’s 80th birthday celebration back in Michigan is halfway through this course of chemo and unfortunately I will not be able to be there, especially since I am having weekly infusions which leaves no extra time to make such a trip. Randy will be there representing our family.

But God is good. I get to walk every morning several blocks and it is so nice. I look forward to these times with the Lord. It used to be that I couldn’t concentrate and pray and walk at the same time (don’t laugh!) but I find I can and I enjoy it so much.

I recall early on I wrote that as I searched my heart before the Lord, I didn’t feel this whole cancer thing was because of a grave sin in my life. It is wise and right to examine our lives to see if we are indeed in the faith (II Cor. 13:5) and catastrophic illnesses and even death do happen because of sin (read Jesus’ healings in the gospels, Acts 5, and I Cor. 11:17). Rather, I felt it was an attack by the enemy. Remember Job. God must give Satan permission to do these things.

But there is another aspect I do wish to make clear. God, as a loving Father, disciplines all his sons (I use “sons” in the generic sense of human children. I have no problem considering myself a son of God) and this discipline is for our good, not to harm us. We are not to be surprised by it. Numerous times in scripture God speaks to this issue. And discipline can take many forms. I choose to accept this trial in my flesh as discipline from God. Many would agree with me having gone through similar deep waters of suffering. It can tend to draw us near to the Lord, which we must admit, we all need.

My favorite book in the Bible must be the book of Hebrews. As I was reading chapter 12 again it spoke so clearly, powerfully and deeply to me (hence, I wanted to share my thoughts with you). I sin. I don’t want to but it is ever with me. I must stay on top of this and as the writer of Hebrews admonishes, remember those of faith who have gone before us. Look at their example of faith unto the end. They are watching us. Therefore, let’s throw off all that hinders us in this life race laid out for us. We need to be unencumbered so we can run and not fall.

And above all, we must “fix our eyes on Jesus”. He has gone before us and is the way. I love this! I hope you pull out your Bible and read this. We have suffered nothing as others have, and especially Jesus. He rose above the scorn and shame of dying on a tree, which was a major cultural issue at the time, and looked to the result of all his suffering: Redemption for all those who would follow him in faith and glorification and exaltation to the right hand of the Father in heaven. So much is packed into these words! We are exhorted to think about him, take time to mull these things over in our minds and hearts, letting the truth sink in and become our “own”. To what end? So that we will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. Some have. I have not. Remember the words of encouragement, that God disciplines those he loves. Therefore, endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons.

I am choosing to take this battle with cancer (still a hold-at-arms-length word to me) as discipline from a loving Father. He also knows I want to have more of a family resemblance to him. I have long felt the MG (muscle weakness of long duration in my life) falls into that category. He has used it in amazing ways in my life, most of which I am unaware of I am sure. When you think about it, it is a privilege to be disciplined by the Father because it affirms one’s “belonging” in the family of God. He disciplines every son he receives. Without it, he says, we are illegitimate children and not true sons. This is much more frightening than discipline! (It’s all there in Hebrews 12.)

Whatever you are going through, please cling to and embrace these words of admonition and encouragement! If things are going smoothly for you just now, I encourage you to master the mindset laid out in this passage, so when hard times come, and they will, you will be heart-prepared. Thank God he had these things written down for us! May we not ignore or be too busy to master his truth for our lives. Too much is at stake.

Bless you in the name of the Lord.

Friday I had my first infusion of Taxol, my next and last chemo (drug) therapy. I had no reactions to it and have so far had no bad or undesirable side effects (although my hair won’t grow back until this one is done with). I haven’t even been more tired than usual. Wow.

On the same day I also started intravenous infusions of Herceptin, which is not a chemo (drug) therapy, as explained to me, but a biologic therapy. Herceptin is a monoclonal antibody which specifically targets certain cancer cells. It does not kill good cells. That is nice. I feel like more of me is left intact! This is the treatment I will have to take over the next year. I had no side effects from this and I am told most women do not experience side effects. What a relief and blessing.

And I have more exciting news! I was able to get 11^th hour airline tickets for Randy to come visit for a week! He is on his way out now as I write (Sunday, August 10). We had purchased tickets for him to fly out in late September/early October for a couple of weeks, which would make it 3 months since he left to go back to West Virginia (he went back June 18). God has blessed us both with grace and days filled with activity so that time has seemed to go by quickly (as many of you prayed and we did too!), but I just decided to go ahead and “splurge”, so to speak, and fly him out! It will be nice hanging out with my best friend and sweetheart.

God has been good to me, to us. I have been bolstered by prayers and love from many people, and grace and peace from God. I admit I’ve had some emotional times the past few weeks but nothing earth shattering. I’ve learned over the years to rest in the Lord a lot more than I used to! Just this past week I was walking (I have been able to go for walks every day and it is wonderful) and talking with the Lord and asking forgiveness for and strength against self pity. That is one thing that is so terribly damaging and destructive. I want no part of it. So I have to resist it when it raises its ugly head. I realized that I need to raise my sights and look at God’s bigger world, the great needs and his heart of compassion for those suffering. So many are spiritually dead and need life only he can give. So many brothers and sisters in the faith are struggling and suffering terribly. I need to care more, pray more for them. Perspective.

I believe what Jesus said about seeking first his kingdom and righteousness. It means I put those things as my first priority. And then he promised to meet our needs. I never like to hear that God promised to meet our needs…unless it is qualified by his condition of putting God and his priorities first, because that is God’s order. I can’t just claim the good stuff for myself without first laying my life down at his feet as before the King who commands all my life. That is his right, for he bought me with a price, a great price: the life blood of Jesus Christ. I dare not take that lightly.

What a joy to belong to Someone so much bigger and more capable than myself! Again I say, God has been gracious, good to me. I praise him for all his wonderful works.

Please keep praying for me! And for Randy. We are seeking him and he is guiding our footsteps, I believe, and answering many personal and ministry prayers. We want it to be all for his glory. Nothing else makes sense.

Jacque

I feel as though a milestone has been reached; I finished my first course of chemo therapy. On Friday, July 18, I received my final doses of the first two drugs used in my treatment regimen. I had no real side effects this time, other than tiredness, as long as I did not do anything (!), so I didn’t. I was a good girl and came home from my chemo session, stayed home Saturday and Sunday, too, and didn’t venture out on my own until Tuesday morning when I had to have an injection (Seth brought me to and from my Monday morning appointment) and then did some errands. I am overjoyed that I went through that final session so well!

In 2 weeks time I will start my second type of chemo therapy. I will have 2 drugs infused once a week for twelve weeks. Toward the end of October, one drug will be finished and the second drug will continue for nine more months after that, given every three weeks. I do not yet know how I will respond to these new drugs. In November and December I expect to undergo radiation as well.

My neurologist, who oversees my Myasthenia Gravis (muscle weakness) wants to start reducing the Prednisone I am on in about 3 months. Pray for wisdom and God’s healing. I have been very strong the past 6 months even with all the trauma and stress my body and mind have gone through. Some of this is due to drugs and the fact that I have a much more sedentary lifestyle (I always laughed at that concept, because I was supposed to live it!). By that I mean, I am not managing my own household, cleaning, cooking, etc. (my kids hardly let me do anything!), nor have I had the full burden of work (which is hard to escape when the office is next door!). But God has been the One who has made all this happen. He has answered untold prayers made on my behalf.

It is just like Paul the Apostle said about his work and Apollos’ work among the Corinthians. Paul sowed, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase. Here we have a similar truth. I have certain drug therapies for MG; I rest, which is called for in MG; but God makes all these things work, and more. We had fears that the cancer treatment would wipe me out physically. The opposite has happened! This is the hand of God, his good, gracious hand. Your prayers have been heard to this point! Please don’t quit!

Now we ask for continued strength, grace and healing. God’s peace has sustained me as well these past 6 months and I pray it will continue. I have a long haul yet.
A dear friend sent me Tony Snow's speech. He recently died of cancer. I thought it was so well done and worth the reading, I wanted to share it with you.

Cancer's Unexpected Blessings by Tony Snow

Cancer's Unexpected Blessings

Blessings arrive in unexpected packages-----in my case, cancer. Those of us with potentially fatal diseases and there are millions in America today-----find ourselves in the odd position of coping with our mortality while trying to fathom God's will. Although it would be the height of presumption to declare with confidence "What It All Means," Scripture provides powerful hints and consolations.

The first is that we shouldn't spend too much time trying to answer the "why" questions: Why me? Why must people suffer? Why can't someone else get sick? We can't answer such things, and the questions themselves often are designed more to express our anguish than to solicit an answer.

I don't know why I have cancer, and I don't much care. It is what it is----a plain and indisputable fact. Yet even while staring into a mirror darkly, great and stunning truths begin to take shape. Our maladies define a central feature of our existence: We are fallen. We are imperfect. Our bodies give out.

But despite this----or because of it----God offers the possibility of salvation and grace. We don't know how the narrative of our lives will end, but we get to choose how to use the interval between now and the moment we meet our Creator face-to-face.

Second, we need to get past the anxiety. The mere thought of dying can send adrenaline flooding through your system. A dizzy, unfocused panic seizes you. Your heart thumps; your head swims. You think of nothingness and swoon. You fear partings; you worry about the impact on family and friends. You fidget and get nowhere.

To regain footing, remember that we were born not into death, but into life, and that the journey continues after we have finished our days on this earth. We accept this on faith, but that faith is nourished by a conviction that stirs even within many nonbelieving hearts----an intuition that the gift of life, once given, cannot be taken away. Those who have been stricken enjoy the special privilege of being able to fight with their might, main, and faith to live----fully, richly, exuberantly----no matter how their days may be numbered.

Third, we can open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want lives of simple, predictable ease----smooth, even trails as far as the eye can see, but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our endurance and comprehension----and yet don't. By His love and grace, we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and joy we would not experience otherwise.

Picture yourself in a hospital bed. The fog of anesthesia has begun to wear away. A doctor stands at your feet, a loved one holds your hand at the side. "It's cancer," the healer announces.

The natural reaction is to turn to God and ask Him to serve as a cosmic Santa. "Dear God, make it all go away. Make everything simpler." But another voice whispers: "You have been called." Your quandary has drawn you closer to God, closer to those you love, closer to the issues that matter----and has dragged into insignificance the banal concerns that occupy our "normal time."

There's another kind of response, although usually short-lived----an inexplicable shudder of excitement, as if a clarifying moment of calamity has swept away everything trivial and tiny, and placed before us the challenge of important questions.

The moment you enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death, things change. You discover that Christianity is not something doughy, passive, pious, and soft. Faith may be the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. But it also draws you into a world shorn of fearful caution. The life of belief teems with thrills, boldness, danger, shocks, reversals, triumphs, and epiphanies. Think of Paul, traipsing through the known world and contemplating trips to what must have seemed the antipodes (Spain), shaking the dust from his sandals, worrying not about the morrow, but only about the moment.

There's nothing wilder than a life of humble virtue----for it is through selflessness and service that God wrings from our bodies and spirits the most we ever could give, the most we ever could offer, and the most we ever could do.

Finally we can let love change everything. When Jesus was faced with the prospect of crucifixion, He grieved not for Himself, but for us. He cried for Jerusalem before entering the holy city. From the Cross, He took on the cumulative burden of human sin and weakness, and begged for forgiveness on our behalf.

We get repeated chances to learn that life is not about us----that we acquire purpose and satisfaction by sharing in God's love for others. Sickness gets us part way there. It reminds us of our limitations and dependence. But it also gives us a chance to serve the healthy. A minister friend of mine observes that people suffering grave afflictions often acquire the faith of two people, while loved ones accept the burden of two peoples' worries and fears.

Most of us have watched friends as they drifted toward God's arms, not with resignation, but with peace and hope. In so doing, they have taught us not how to die, but how to live. They have emulated Christ by transmitting the power and authority of love.

I sat by my best friend's bedside a few years ago as a wasting cancer took him away. He kept at his table a worn Bible and a 1928 edition of the Book of Common Prayer. A shattering grief disabled his family, many of his old friends, and at least one priest. Here was an humble and very good guy, someone who apologized when he winced with pain because he thought it made his guest uncomfortable. He retained his equanimity and good humor literally until his last conscious moment. "I'm going to try to beat [this cancer]," he told me several months before he died. "But if I don't, I'll see you on the other side."

His gift was to remind everyone around him that even though God doesn't promise us tomorrow, He does promise us eternity----filled with life and love we cannot comprehend---and that one can in the throes of sickness point the rest of us toward timeless truths that will help us weather future storms.

Through such trials, God bids us to choose: Do we believe, or do we not? Will we be bold enough to love, daring enough to serve, humble enough to submit, and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations? Can we surrender our concern in things that don't matter so that we might devote our remaining days to things that do?

When our faith flags, He throws reminders in our way. Think of the prayer warriors in our midst. They change things, and those of us who have been on the receiving end of their petitions and intercessions know it. It is hard to describe, but there are times when suddenly the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel a surge of the Spirit. Somehow you just know: Others have chosen, when talking to the Author of all creation, to lift us up----to speak of us!!

This is love of a very special order. But so is the ability to sit back and appreciate the wonder of every created thing. The mere thought of death somehow makes every blessing vivid, every happiness more luminous and intense. We may not know how our contest with sickness will end, but we have felt the ineluctable touch of God.

What is man that Thou are mindful of him? We don't know much, but we know this: No matter where we are, no matter what we do, no matter how bleak or frightening our prospects, each and every one of us who believe, each and every day, lies in the same safe and impregnable place, in the hollow of God's hand.

End speech.

God is good. Amen.

Jacque

As I sit at my new computer set up at Seth’s home (my son with whom I am currently staying for a couple months), listening to my grandson, Caleb, giggle as daddy gets him up from his nap, I am very grateful for God’s mercy in answer to prayer. Last week Caleb was in distress with the nasty cough with which his two cousins also suffered. Emmanuel was in the hospital with pneumonia and Caleb was getting worse, with breath-choking asthma added to the cough. I appealed to you to pray for these little ones, and I did so without hesitating. Whatever access to “pray-ers” I have at my disposal to solicit prayer in a time of need, I will use! I always “default” to prayer as a first line of defense in all kinds of trials.

Caleb did not have any pneumonia involvement after all, and the medicines given him were effective. I thank God for knowledge, skill, and attainable medical intervention. But only God heals, ultimately. For we all know of instances when every known remedy was used to no avail. We always cast ourselves on the mercy of God. He is sovereign.

Thank you for praying. You had a part in these little ones’ recovery. Emmanuel is home and improved, as well. My prayer, giving them up to God even as I asked for healing, is that these little boys become men of God.

In all our praying, in fact, all our daily living, we must lay down at God’s feet all that is most precious to us, letting go of it (or them), our very lives, submitting ourselves and what we love to the will of God. Anyone of us who would “save” our life, putting ourselves and desires first, will lose it, all of it; the one who loses his life for Jesus’ sake, denying himself, taking up his cross and following Jesus, will save it (Luke 9:23-25).

I’ve taken this at face value and been attempting to live this truth for many years. I say attempting, because I haven’t gotten it down pat yet. I still must exercise my will to choose to do it in every situation which arises in my life, whether it is about my own health or my grandchildren. I believe my Lord when he says I could gain all I want, even the whole world, yet lose my own soul; and what is the point in that? It makes no sense to work hard all your life and in the end lose it all. So I choose to do just what Jesus explained we should do; lay it all down, turn around and follow Jesus, seeking first his kingdom and righteousness. He then promises to meet all our material needs (Matthew 6:19-34). If I give up all here to follow him in obedience, he will add so much more, and eternal life to boot (Matt. 19:29)! So what’s to choose, when you think about it?

So how have I been lately? I had chemo again Friday June 27. It took me longer to recover (6 days as compared to the previous 4), for whatever reasons. Could it be I didn’t drink enough water (65 ounces a day) to flush out the drugs because I just can’t stand the taste of plain water? The drugs are having a cumulative effect (this was my third round)? The sleeplessness side-effect robbing me of strength and energy? I don’t know, but those are possibilities.

Regardless, God brought me through once again. And I am noticing how strong I am, in respect to the myasthenia gravis (muscle weakness). Before I came out to CA I was extremely weak and, anticipating the added stresses of surgery and chemo therapy, I had a week long round of IVIG (intravenous Immunoglobulin) infusions which boosted my strength. Now 6 months later I am still strong, when the IVIG is known generally, and in my personal history, to last maybe 3 months. This is amazing and wonderful to us! I am able to eat an apple (peeled) off the core, without cutting and coring it, corn on the cob and other such eating challenges which to a normally strong person are not even given a second thought. But for me these are very real issues because of the weakness of the muscles.

I am also able to go for walks around the neighborhood on a daily basis (on my good days, so I have about 2 weeks to work with between chemo sessions). I couldn’t do that before. Some days at home in WV it was a stretch to walk 20 minutes on my treadmill. I don’t run or even speed walk either! Randy has been praying God would heal me of the cancer and the myasthenia. I’ve lived with the MG since 13 years of age.

God has been very gracious to me and I am so very thankful. Your prayers, concern and the many expressions of encouragement have definitely played an important part in all this. Thank you.

Randy, back in the saddle in West Virginia, is working away with a will. We talk about every day by phone. Randy dislikes talking on the phone but it is the only way we can “be together” so many miles apart so it truly is a case of “love covers a multitude…”!.

Along with focusing on research and writing, dealing with teams, and overseeing staff, he is trying to hire a nearby accounting company to take over the bookkeeping responsibilities of Mustard Seeds, even though a staff person in the position is the ideal. We have not had anyone apply for the position from our recruiting efforts. It is not exciting work, but absolutely necessary! Bless all the bookkeepers and administrative assistants! We need you and appreciate you. (And if you come to WV and join Mustard Seeds’ staff you’d become a beloved member of the Mustard Seed family! Just ask our 4 ladies on staff. They enjoyed a day at the spa as a thanks for all their extra efforts the past 5 months!)

We have some real issues to deal with in relation to our group health insurance through Mustard Seeds because of my being here in CA and on medical leave of absence. Your prayers are needed for us and our board, with our benefits agent, to work through these issues to the best conclusion. I have been doing minimal work from here the past 6 months and we will be looking at what more is feasible for me to do long-distance, which, with today’s technology is much more than possible only a few years ago. I may not be “in the saddle” but I’m still in the buggy!

God’s smile on all who love him sincerely.

Jacque

Dear Friends,

Please pray for my 2 year old grandson, Emmanuel, who had to go to the hospital two nights ago and is still there. He has pneumonia and is receiving oxygen and intravenous fluids. Pray for his appetite to improve so he can eat and gain strength to fight this illness. Pray God also spare him from a lifetime of asthma, which is a danger for him.

God bless you.

Jacque

Tomorrow I go again to be pumped full of various drugs, my third chemo therapy session of this first set of drugs. They will again use the port-a cath which I had surgically inserted under the skin below the collar bone, on June 3. The next 4 days will be varying stages of feeling sub-normal. Based on my last two chemo sessions, Saturday won’t be too bad, but Sunday and Monday will be a “wash” (as in “washed out”, good for nothing). “Bedtime” takes on a new meaning since I have felt too tired and yucky (is this in the dictionary?) to be up much, so I spend most of my time resting and sleeping. But it could be worse, I know, so like a bad storm, I ride it out and thank the Lord I am as well as I am.

Actually, I don’t usually do a lot of anything mental like thinking or even praying. So I am very thankful for you who “stand on guard” for me (reminds me of a song…:). When I can’t pray for myself, or only cry out “Lord, have mercy. Lord, have mercy”, when others are praying for me I can rest on the substance of their faith. That is true intercession and I am very grateful for it.

But today I have another burden on my heart. My 2 year old grandson Emmanuel has been diagnosed with pneumonia, the second time in his short two years of life. He is our little “Superman”, the one in the picture on my last blog. He is the one who cheered up his Abuelito (Grandpa) Randy before his knee surgery with his Superman-flying play. He still is enamored of the Superman hero character. Yet we know there is only one Superman, and no fiction is he. We cry out to Jesus, who alone can save the world, and heal our loved ones. For he is not only the most true Man, but he is God. Won’t you pray for Emmanuel, he is too young to know to pray for himself. But our prayers can make for him a resting place in Jesus, carrying him through his trying time. This is true intercession, and we are very grateful for it.

My other two little grandchildren have been and are still struggling with illness at this time as well; colds and coughs. Please keep them and these two households in your prayers as they minister to me in my time of need. Pray also that I do not get sick due to exposure to any viruses or bacteria, since my immune system is very depleted.

Randy is back in West Virginia, serving the volunteer teams coming to live out their faith doing their good work with and for the people in McDowell County. Pray for him as he readjusts to life there, alone (without me, that is), rattling around in that big old house of ours, serving our staff, lending leadership to the entity called Mustard Seeds and Mountains. There are many needs he is faced with and we need God’s intervention to meet those needs.

Pray for the two of us as we face many months of separation due to my need to be here in California for continued cancer treatment, and his need to be in West Virginia to lead the ministry of Mustard Seeds and Mountains.

Did we, after all, make the right decision in choosing to go to California for my cancer treatment? Absolutely. God has given grace for every circumstance to this point. He will give grace to us for everything we face in the days and months ahead.

We do not make our own way in the world, trusting in our knowledge or abilities alone. We acknowledge there is one God to whom we bow, and seek his guidance for every decision in life. For we are not our own; we are bought with a price. That price is too great to ignore or take lightly. That price whispers, “A life for a life”. Jesus Christ gave his life, his blood, for us. Now we respond, “My life for his life”.

And the Praise goes on….

I have been contemplating a change in a saying on one of our coffee mugs (in which I have my morning tea). It reads, “I’m having a: (check the appropriate box) Good Hair day, Bad hair day”. I’d now add , “No hair day, Fake hair day”.

Yup, I am now among the chrome dome elite. Although here in California lots of men have their heads shaved, they are still a minority, and women of the sort…well, I haven’t seen any shiny domes lately, we tend to keep them discreetly covered, so I am among a very exclusive, small percentage of the population!

I got tired of dealing with gobs of hair falling out for 3 days, so on Saturday (May 31) I asked Randy to shave it off. He willingly, yet sadly, took the shaver and started buzzing it off. Our 5 year old granddaughter, Lourdes, held a plastic bag into which Grandpa dropped the handfuls of hair. After he started, I quickly suggested he do a mohawk and take a picture before it was all gone, which he did, and I posed with Lourdes and Emmanuel (2 years). What a shot for posterity! Hopefully, that will be a once in a lifetime event!

Hair truly is a woman’s glory and Randy always loved my hair long, which I tried to keep for many years. So he was sad when he shaved it off, but he was prepared from day one to join with me, identifying with me in my suffering and indignities by having his head shaved back in January. It is a touching and deeply significant statement of love when a husband (or wife) chooses to personally sacrifice in some way to identify with or serve their suffering spouse. My life has been graced with such a husband. His acceptance of and love for me is in great part responsible for my ability to laugh in the face of these indignities. Now I can joke that, instead of dressing alike, as do some older couples (hey, not that old!), we go bald alike!

What a gift from God is humor, the ability to see the funny side of things, to laugh at oneself, to see distressing life circumstances in a different light, and to some degree “make light” of them, putting them into perspective. We can do that because we have developed a perspective on life which has been shaped and honed over the years by the influence of God’s perspective on life. As a result we have more important issues to deal with in life. We have bigger things to live for, more lasting than our little lives. We, therefore, can “get on with our lives” in the midst of flux, fear and pain.

Losing my hair and suffering other body disfigurements has been fairly easy for me to handle, though by no means pleasant. I attribute this to my relationship with my God and my relationship with my husband. I absolutely do take comfort in the fact that my hair will grow back. I am overwhelmingly grateful for the commitment and love of my husband. All of us struggle with these things differently yet I have heard many testify to God’s goodness in the midst of suffering and fear, his faithfulness to be “the God who is with us”, and who delivers.

People tell me I am strong. I disagree. I am not strong; I just know the One who is and run with all my little strength to Him. The only safe place to “fall apart” when tragedy strikes is nestled on the lap of our Father in heaven.

So now I wear various hear coverings around the house and out of the house. I do have a wig as well, and Randy took me to Macy’s for a makeup session so now I am wearing makeup for the first time in over 35 years! I have been practicing brushing in my eyebrows while they are still there so I can get it right when they are not. I’ve added earrings again too. Now I remind myself of my sweet southern belle girlfriends! But I still don’t wear bows on my shoes. Love y’all!

Randy and I leave Saturday for our 35^th wedding anniversary getaway in San Diego, one of southern California’s most beautiful cities. ‘Tis a lovely gift…with a view of the bay. We will visit a dear friend, former co-worker and current supporter in Encinitas on the way down. He is one who knows suffering from the side of the faithful, loving spouse, as 2 years ago he had to let go to God the love of his life of 57 years. He is abiding “on the lap” of his Father. God has given us the privilege of knowing and having as role models of service and faith some of his best kids. We count it a deep privilege.

Upon our return to Colton, we prepare for Randy’s return to West Virginia and what awaits him there as he once again takes up the reins of leadership responsibilities on-site. God has been so good to let us be together during these last 5 months. Now we face new challenges and continue to pray for long-standing needs to be met within Mustard Seeds. Come what may our hearts are set to serve and love the King with all our strength. We pray he will allow us to serve him in ever greater ways in years to come.

Jacque

Sixth day post (first) chemo and I am really back to “normal”. I am amazed at how mild my symptoms have been and pray the rest of my chemotherapy is the same! God has abundantly answered prayer.

Thursday, May 15, I did have my first infusion of scary chemo drugs. Since I haven’t yet had a port-a-cath inserted, this first session was in the arm vein. God protected me from any incidents there. I was tired and took a nausea pill that evening but was not sick.

Friday was a busy day and I felt fine but did get tired by evening. Saturday I got up…and went back to bed I was so tired. I slept off and on most of the day. Saturday, Sunday and Monday I did take my nausea pill in the morning, more as a preventive measure, though I did feel a bit “iffy” in the tummy. But I have not been truly nauseated. I need to avoid being sick since that will make my MG worse and could cause serious problems, therefore the preventive measures.

Each day I felt a bit better, though I did feel the muscle weakness a couple of times. Since I am used to that as a myasthenic, it didn’t throw me for a loop. I took each day as it came, rested a lot, paid attention to things like my strength for breathing and eating and now I am much back to what is normal for me.

I am full of thankfulness to God for his care of me. As I said, if all my sessions go so well, I will be jumping for joy (though it won’t look as cute as when my 2 year old grandsons do their jumping)!

I was told I can expect to lose my hair in about a week from now (usually 2 weeks after the first chemo session). My daughter in law’s mother sent over to me 3 of those head turbans to wear. How sweet of her! Though we can’t communicate very well verbally, since she knows little English and I know little Spanish, there is the communication of love and respect which is so precious. I will write her a thank you note in English and Monica will read it to her in Spanish.

But as to losing my hair, I am looking at it as another interesting experience, although it is nice to know it will grow back! But how different it will be after growing back remains to be seen.

It will be interesting to see the children’s reactions to grandma with no hair! If it ends up coming out in clumps, I’ve decided to shave it off. No patchwork head for me! Then again, I may not lose all of it. It may just thin out. I had a friend in grade school who had, genetically, extremely thin hair, a rather bald effect. She lives with that all her life. I can live with little or no hair for a few months. There are more important issues in life!

Now having said all that, I do intend to wear head coverings. I may wear a wig. I am not quite so bold as to go bald headed, especially in public. Still a bit too vain for that.

Randy is going to the gym these days, feeling so much better. He still has physical therapy sessions to go to for a few weeks. Then he flies to West Virginia June 18 for the summer, to be involved with the home repair ministry.

If you wonder why he goes back so late in June, first is the physical therapy sessions which will run through the first week. Second, he will be here in CA with me yet to celebrate our 35^th wedding anniversary on June 16. Yes, believe it or not, those two “kids” who got married that day (if you knew us then, you’d know!) are now all grown up with sons and daughters in law, the eldest couple celebrating 10 years of wedded bliss! (We rarely get to celebrate wedding anniversaries because it always falls in our summer home repair…busy…time.)

God has been our “traveling companion” all these years. Where would we be without him? We shudder to think. So how crazy would it be to look anywhere else than to him for continuing the journey? He alone has “the words of eternal life”, as Peter so aptly put it so very long ago.

God bless you so that he will be known on earth among all nations,

Jacque

Today I begin chemotherapy. I am nervous, apprehensive, I do admit. Lord, take my fears and anxious thoughts. I need your peace now.

“I am in pain and distress, may your salvation, O God, protect me.

I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

This will please the LORD more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.

The poor will see and be glad—you who seek God, may your hearts live!

The LORD hears the needy and does not despise his captive people.” Psalm 69:29-33

There is one thing I will never get over all the days of my life. Is it a slight, an offense against me? No. I can, thanks to the redemptive work of Jesus Christ, forgive a slight, an offense no matter how great or small. I say thanks to Jesus Christ, because I do not have the nature to forgive within me, but only by his grace and power do I have the power, and responsibility, to forgive.

No, what I will never be able to get over in this life is my great debt to love. I have said it to many so please forgive if you are hearing it again, all my life love has been poured out on me. I can only attribute it to the great mercy and grace of God. I view it as an expression of his love for me, that he has moved the hearts of others to love and care for me to this day. I certainly do not deserve it. But that is why it is the grace of God!

It is very humbling to know that not only family (both immediate and extended), but friends and even strangers (yet the “family” of God) care enough to pray for me and Randy. And some so earnestly and continually! It spurs me on to greater love toward others, to be more alert to the heart of God who loves so greatly that he gave that which was most precious to him, his only son. This is a powerful ministry to me!

In the weekly home Bible study we participate in, we just concluded a study of I John. John states over and over, to love is to give of oneself, as Jesus did. Words, even nice sounding spiritual ones, are meaningless to the Lord, and others, if not infused with action (I Jn. 3: 16-19). Love truly is a verb. It always acts. I always feel inadequate and a step behind in fulfilling this truth. I keep working on it (I Jn. 3: 19-20).

I have taken quite a long time in writing this update. I have seen the oncologist (on April 24) and we have talked about my chemotherapy regimen. However, then Randy had knee replacement surgery the next week and my focus shifted to being with him. By God’s grace he is progressing, and ahead of schedule compared to others because he pushes himself. However, he has been having “associated” pain, by which I mean, not so much pain in the knee itself (although he does have that) but in his back and now his calf, and we think it is because of the way he must relearn to walk after so many years of not being able to walk properly. With having to take pain meds he is tired and needs to rest a lot, which is hard for him to accept. On top of that is the reality his body must heal, which takes a big toll on the energy side.

The day he had his staples removed (which held his wound together), he got into the car and drove to the work out gym and tried riding the bike to limber up his knee. He said he was ok “knee wise”, but he “ran out of gas”, energy-wise, on the bike. I told him, welcome to my world (as a myasthenic)! This is a reality of my life and has been since I was 13 years old, but new for him.

The fact that Randy is alive and able to praise God, I am still here, alive and relatively healthy, to praise the name of the Lord, points to the great mercy and grace of God. For it is only by his “great and precious promises” that we are able to continue in this life, and with all the resources we need to live pleasing to the Lord (II Peter 1). We are determined to strive to do just that, offering to God the sacrifice of praise continually and to share with others from the bounty which God has provided us (Hebrews 13: 15-16).

So now to the word from the oncologist. I should be starting chemotherapy May 15, unless there is a delay related to the move into new facilities the Cancer Center made three weeks ago. If you’ve ever moved you know things can get backed up, because of all the extra work and changes that take place. I found out this past week this is the case for the Cancer Center, which may affect me related to starting chemotherapy. Pray my insurance company authorizes my treatment. The doctor’s office was still trying to confirm that.

I was initially told I’d need a portacath surgically inserted, through which the drugs would be administered intravenously, but today I found out they will not have to do that but will give the chemo drugs through my arm. This eliminates the need for another surgical anesthesia and the danger of infection at the portacath site. This is an answer to prayer.

In my first course of chemotherapy I will have 2 drugs given over the next 3 months (A and C for those in the know). One of which is actually used as a treatment for myasthenia so I am hoping for a double beneficial effect from it. Following that I will start my second course of intravenous drug, given over the next 3 months, then radiation. At the same time as the second course is given, I will start an intravenous drug which will be given for 12 months. This is where I get bumfuddled. I do not want to “switch horses in mid-stream”, so to speak, and have a doctor in West Virginia take over my care. I want to maintain the continuity of care I have started here at Loma Linda, which has been excellent. To do this means I will be here for over another year! It is not that I do not want to be here; I love being with my family, we know this is where I need to be now for cancer treatment. It is just that to be here means I can’t be “there”, in West Virginia!

Your prayers are needed as we look at Randy going back this summer for the home repair ministry which starts in June and ends in mid-August. We must determine the best time for him to return, based on his healing process. But after the summer we must figure out the schedule for him being there in WV while I remain here.

This will be hard on us, to be separated for long periods of time, but we are looking to the Lord for guidance and wisdom. We have been praying about these issues, and related ones (see the prayer page of the Seeds of Hope newsletter), for some time. I am not so much taken by surprise as finally faced with “reality”. We are committed to serving the Lord however and wherever He calls and directs. We will need his grace for the months ahead as much as we have needed, and experienced, his grace for the months we’ve just been through.

Is God able to meet our needs and are we up for this next “trial” of faith? He is and by His grace we are. The peace God has given is real. Of course I can’t explain it. It is beyond understanding. But not beyond reach (Philippians 4:6,7).

As we have trusted him to give direction in the past, so we trust him for direction for the future, for protection and strength during chemotherapy and radiation, for healing of our bodies, for continued peace and grace. He is our light in the dark.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us. We owe you a great debt. I trust we will faithfully love and serve our Lord, strengthened by your love.

May God be gracious to you and bless you and make his face shine upon you, so that his ways may be known on earth, his salvation among all nations. (Psalm 67: 1,2)

Jacque

Dear Friends,

Since my last surgery on April 3 I haven’t been up to doing a full and proper update until now. I think the anesthesia as well as the kind of surgery this was (to remove many more lymph nodes from under the right arm), with a drainage tube, all coming so close on the heels of the previous surgery of February 14, compounded to make my recovery time a bit longer. I do not know the total number of nodes removed but the doctor did say three were cancerous. I’m glad to be rid of them.

Thankfully, I had the drainage tube removed Monday (4/14). It is amazing how having a foreign object protruding from one’s body slows things down. Randy was a wonderful and gentle nurse, by the way, as he cleansed the wound site every day and re-bandaged it. The body has an amazing capacity to heal itself but it does take a lot of energy, all focused on mending itself, so that I was tired and needed to rest a lot. But now I am feeling better each day and getting back in the “swing”, so to speak. Before, I didn’t even have mental energy so just allowed myself (gave myself permission) to “vegetate”, reading and resting, while my body heals. Enforced inactivity is never pleasant but necessary at times.

The healing is still going on, of course, and includes exercises to stretch my arm to regain range of motion, which is very painful. I would appreciate your prayers that this goes well. This will go on for some time, as I understand it.

In a few weeks I will go into a phase of fighting the side effects of the drugs of chemotherapy. It kills cells, even good cells. But since we do not yet have the technology to kill only the “bad” cells, we must take “the bad with the good”.

This is where I will again need your earnest prayers. Pray I will be strong, not have nausea and vomiting and will not have the extreme fatigue and weakness even otherwise healthy people experience. I haven’t thought much about it but when I do, I realize I am concerned and even a bit anxious about it. So I am having to take these anxious thoughts to the Lord. I have had such peace after the first surgery and then following the decision to go ahead with the second surgery. The Lord has abundantly answered prayer, both ours and yours.

I will be seeing the oncologist on April 24^th and I hope to schedule my chemotherapy sessions for after Randy has been home from the hospital at least a week. He goes in for knee replacement surgery April 29^th and is expected to stay in hospital 3 days. Of course, I will be there with him. Pray for a successful and uneventful surgery, for a speedy recovery and the ability to get mobile quickly so he can return to WV in early June for the summer home repair/volunteer season.

Our son Jeremy (in whose home we are living) will be his “coach” for all the physical therapy exercises he will have to do multiple times a day after surgery. Randy jokingly calls him his “pain coach”. Jeremy being a competitive, athletic guy himself, I am certain will be (lovingly) tougher on dad than I was a few years ago when Randy had his other knee replaced! Randy is tough though. That’s why he wants Jeremy to be his coach. Randy’s lived with so much knee pain over the years yet you’d hardly know it except for his limping and occasional grimaces of pain. He pushes through the pain on a daily basis and will be doing the same in the increased pain to get his legs back into shape after surgery. Do pray for him.

Monica, who had a diagnosis of shingles, is back at work and on the mend. They caught it very early and she had minimal outbreak and pain, thank the Lord. Thank you for your prayers. We had been living over at Seth and Melissa’s home for the last week and a half and it was great to be with them and little Caleb every day! We are back at Jeremy and Monica’s now. We had moved out because of my compromised immune system. Didn’t want to take any chances. It is an amazing blessing to me that we have 2 sons and wives so close together and so lovingly willing to take us in!

You all continue to amaze and humble us with your prayers and encouragement. I wish I could hand write responses to every card, note and email I get but I’m afraid these letters will have to do for the most part.

I love you all.

Jacque