March 17, 2008

Sometimes you just need space to breathe. That is what I felt on Monday, March 10, when I saw the surgeon again and we talked of the need for more surgery to remove lymph nodes. Fear came to taunt me (as he talked about “cleaning out” the lymph nodes) and I called a halt to the decision I had made to go ahead with this surgery. I needed to find out more information about the surgery and lymphedema, and I did.

Through the goodness of several long time friends and many new ones, I was able to learn a lot more about the realities of lymph node dissection (surgical removal of these lymph nodes), and life with lymphedema (swelling related to removal of lymph nodes) or the possibility of it. I also called the American Cancer Society and was able to get more information from a medical perspective.

I cried out to the Lord for direction (here we are again). I know there was cancer in both of the two lymph nodes taken out in the initial surgery, and there may be more and they do have to come out. But what I was hearing from the surgeon deeply concerned me. I asked God to let us know what to do by the end of the week.

Friday I had an early morning appointment with the oncologist (the doctor who would oversee the chemo therapy). During his hour and a half with us we learned a number of things, one of which is that he doesn’t like to do chemo therapy until all the surgery is taken care of. The most significant thing he said though, was when he began to describe the Tiers of lymph nodes. Today they only remove tier 2 and/or tier 3 lymph nodes, but never tier 1. I never knew that. I asked about the surgeon’s meaning when he described “cleaning out” the area, and the oncologist was sure he meant the same thing that had just been described to us, and indeed, after a phone conversation between the oncologist and the surgeon, right there as we waited, that very thing was confirmed.

For me, those pieces of information changed everything. I had no fear or heavy sense of oppression. I felt I probably did not need a second opinion about the surgery.

Was I mistaken to have fear and reverse my decision to go ahead with the surgery the previous Monday afternoon? No. We do not have all knowledge. We must make the best informed decisions we can. I did not feel my information was complete. There was too much I did not know and needed to pursue answers. I needed “space to breathe”, or rather, time to think and learn more.

And as to fear; fear will come. It is how we deal with it that is important. I went to the Lord (Phil. 4:6), recognizing the fear and anxiety rising up in me. I cried out for help, wisdom, direction, knowledge. I turned to my most trusted confidante and wise counselor, my husband Randy, and we talked and prayed. His insights and encouragement helped me work through a very difficult situation. I sought out others I respect for their counsel, especially those who have gone through these same waters. I continued to seek sound medical advice.

It is agonizing going through the trial, feeling the suffocating fear, the desperate need. But God has proven himself once again compassionate, and faithful to hear our prayers. He gave the information we needed. He gave it within the timeframe I asked.

This St. Patrick’s Day I call the surgeon’s office to proceed with getting the surgery scheduled.